tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51571112024-03-07T16:29:05.037-05:00sensing samsaraUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger600125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-88873366396920117752022-10-03T07:58:00.005-04:002022-10-03T11:06:49.152-04:00First Day of Retirement<p>Today is the first day of the rest of my life. So!? That was every day before this one.</p><p>Woke up around 6:45a to the sounds of my son taking a shower before school. I laid in bed and flipped through news stories on my phone until 7:30. Looks like Ukraine is winning its war against Russia pretty handedly. </p><p>Time to get the other kid up. Temptation was there to head into the office and boot my work computers. I smiled at the instinctual pull and avoided the office.</p><p>First act of my retirement after getting the kids up for school: Do a load of laundry. Cool.</p><p>I'll walk the kids to the bus stop and then figure out my day. It will involve meeting with remediation company to address the water leak that happened on Friday. I'm trying to figure out how to spend money in my life change and I'll have some big bills to kick it off.</p><p>Watched List</p><p>John Oliver</p><p>SNL with Host Miles Teller</p><p><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-83434179700863618612017-12-21T09:28:00.001-05:002017-12-21T09:28:44.315-05:00FatalismFatalists lack the ability to predict the future.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-36333858682789246882017-04-09T08:04:00.001-04:002017-04-09T08:04:15.292-04:00My parents are getting old and I'm not happy about it. I want them to be healthy when I decide what to be when I grow up.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-69909960066292362662017-03-29T15:08:00.000-04:002017-03-29T15:08:28.590-04:00As far as I'm concerned, the American elections is a decades long case of road rage. You offended me and now I'm going to express my anger with this attack. Oh you're defending yourself, here try this out.<br />
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Many of us innocent bystanders are just watching the attacks powerless to do anything about it. No one is going to listen to reason. No one wins and a lot of property is destroyed in the process.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-13406376486647200482017-01-29T08:30:00.000-05:002017-01-29T08:30:23.470-05:00The people I find interesting are the people who have more questions than answers.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-15813038604985450132017-01-29T08:26:00.001-05:002017-01-29T21:02:01.207-05:00I had mixed feelings about making a post nearly six years since my wife died from cancer. My last post was entered the day before she died and there was a sense of finality in leaving it like that.<br />
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But it has been six years and life doesn't stand still. I'd like to make another entry for sensing samsara. I have nowhere else to write these thoughts I'm having again. They need to be here so the future me can stumble across these nuggets and remind me of how I was.<br />
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I thought about posts to Facebook or Twitter. I might still do that but it would be lost in the massive number of posts and time those outlets accumulate. Here is where it belongs.<br />
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It's clear my writing style has collected some rust. Use it or lose it. The words don't come to me as easily as they should. I wanted a better adverb than "easily" but case in point, I couldn't come up with one. Proliferation will WD40 these bad boys. Ah, that's better.<br />
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My mood is pensive. I'm typing on my Nexus 6 phone, early morning still in bed. I spent the weekend fighting what could have classified as some form of the flu. All better now.<br />
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Door's open. Come on in.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-52157872202111992112011-02-06T10:31:00.004-05:002011-02-06T10:42:02.101-05:00My feelings about my terminal wifeIt's day 6 since my wife's oncologist informed us her liver is failing and the rest we let happen naturally and boy have I gone through emotions and have quite a few thoughts.<div><br /></div><div>Initially I wanted this part to go quickly. She is not herself. She can hardly talk and what she can say doesn't make any sense. It happened so quickly, one day we could talk each other, the next she had so much trouble concentrating and couldn't give the right replies, that I feel robbed I didn't get to say goodbye even though I have told her in her confused state. I told her on Tuesday that I was going to miss her and have told her many many times that I love her. That is one of the few things she can respond to, she tells me she loves me back.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I do want this part to go quickly. I don't think her parents do. Saturday was rough for me, I took our daughter to a birthday party and I felt bad the whole time because my wife wasn't with me nor could I tell her about it. My anxiety shot through the roof that day. Another thing I realized that day, I like taking care of her. Even though she isn't who she used to be, I like doing this because she is still some semblance of the woman I married. My selfishness to hang onto her and helping me realize this even though I still generally believe, it needs to end soon. It's best for me and for her, I know what she would want. We have talked about that many times. It does anger me euthanasia is illegal. We should have the right to go out how we want. I don't care how controversial it is, you are not in my shoes and if we both agreed it is the way to handle it in this kind of situation, we should have the right. We should know how to handle our loved ones, not a group of emotionless bureaucrats hundreds of miles away who think they know what's better for my family than us. Dr. Kevorkian was really a good and passionate and understanding man and he didn't deserve the treatment he received.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm fighting the feelings that I don't want her to go. If it's too much longer, I don't know how I'm going to take it when death comes. She doesn't want this. I don't want this. It's human nature to hold onto something we know we're losing, that is the selfish reason, not what I want.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-53360182445127573122011-02-06T10:25:00.004-05:002011-02-06T23:01:40.261-05:00Talking to your kids about the death of a loved oneI had the talk with my daughter about Mommy's poor health. I tried to do something for the two of them where my daughter could trace her mom's hand in a book about the afterlife. She seemed interested at first, but then withdrew and insisted she wanted to play. It was then I knew it was time to talk to her.<div><br /></div><div>I took her upstairs into our bedroom where nothing could distract us. I told her that she already knew Mommy was sick. The next part I told her she had never heard from me. I told her that she was not going to get healthy again. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I told her that Mommy was going to die soon. She asked me a couple of questions.</div><div><br /></div><div>"Will there be a new Mommy?" No I said.</div><div><br /></div><div>"You mean it's just going to be Daddy and kids?" Yes I said.</div><div><br /></div><div>She later asked me "When Mommy dies will she be able to see everything?"</div><div><br /></div><div>I pulled out a book I got from a social worker called the Invisible String about a Mom's solid bond with her kids and how that bond remains in tact when the kids and Mom are separated. I had a tough time getting the words out but I made it through. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's my plan to answer any questions my daughter might have. I'll even check with her regularly to see if she has any and put her at ease that she can ask anything and I will be honest with her.</div><div><br /></div><div>I got more questions later that night. She asked me "Is Mommy going to die for real?" Yes I said somberly. She then asked me if there are other kids who don't have mommies. I said yes and that there were many who don't have daddies but that her Daddy was not going anywhere and was going to take very good care of her and her brother.</div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-69312540389706473192011-02-02T12:18:00.003-05:002011-02-02T12:22:32.044-05:00The Beginning of the EndYesterday, February 1, 2011, on our daughter's 6<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> birthday, we got the word from my wife's oncologist that her liver is failing and there's nothing left to do. She is in her last days and very soon will die at the age of 37 from a cancer called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">pheochromocytoma</span>. Our family is in grief to lose such a prominent member. I don't want to be widowed at 38. I shouldn't be.<div><br /></div><div>I try to explain to my 6 year old daughter and 3 year old son that Mommy is very very sick. My daughter asks if it's the winter making her sick. Since we've had such a cold and long winter, it certainly seems that way.</div><div><br /></div><div>Soon my wife will be discharged from the hospital and we will begin hospice care for her at home.</div><div><br /></div><div>Your health is so important. Don't take it for granted and realize whatever crap is going on in your life, it's not really that bad. Relish in the fact that you have the chance to learn from it and come out a better person.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-39575586154814330452011-01-28T12:23:00.005-05:002011-01-28T12:33:19.803-05:00A miracleA miracle is just another way of saying the odds are really low. They can still happen, but not very often. A miracle should surprise us since by definition it's supposed to be a rare occurrence.<div><br /></div><div>Is it not a miracle that we can sit inside a steel cage and drive our bodies at 60 miles per hour and do it in a group of other drivers without harm? Is it not a miracle we can get from one coast of the country to the other in a matter of hours and by doing it five miles in the air? Is it not a miracle the sun burns as bright and as hot as it does to sustain life on our planet and will continue to do so for billions of years? If a miracle is supposed to be amazing things, those things are all miracles and they happen everyday. </div><div><br /></div><div>When a rare occurrence becomes common as we continue to evolve and master control over things in nature, the idea of what was once a miracle changes from something that used to be impossible. Because of this, we take many wonderful things for granted and look for the new miracle that impresses us. Why not once a miracle, always a miracle?</div><div><br /></div><div>At this point in my life, our family needs a miracle.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-4438628060760582402011-01-26T12:05:00.002-05:002011-01-26T12:06:59.559-05:00LiftsEveryone is shorter at home. At home, you don't have your shoes on so you don't notice. If you had your shoes on all the time at home, you notice how tall you are. <div><br /></div><div>At work, you don't notice how tall you are until you take your shoes off. Then everything is a little bit taller than you without your shoes.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-91666000463224063352011-01-12T10:56:00.003-05:002011-01-12T11:08:01.176-05:00My wife went out to Bethesda, MD to the NIH as a follow up to her brain surgery in October. We knew before going out there, that her health was declining - she was getting worse, not better. We also knew there was a strong possibility that the series of scans they would do would find what we feared.<div><br /></div><div>Before I went to bed Monday night, I realized the date come morning would be 1-1-11. Our species appreciates patterns such as this. Very gimicky, kinda neat, something fun. I also realized it would probably be the date we would get the worst news for our family and I wasn't going to need a repetitive numerical scheme to remember that date.</div><div><br /></div><div>The call came about 3:30p from my wife. With tremor in her voice, speech that I could tell she had been crying, before she could say anything, I knew. She got the words out telling me that there's not much more her doctors can do for her. She asked them if she should prepare for the end and they told her that she should.</div><div><br /></div><div>My wife is only 37 years old and her prognosis is terminal cancer. We have two kids, a son who is 3 and a daughter who is about to turn 6. The tragedy in this, the real hurt is she doesn't get to see them grow up. If my wife could last another 15 years, I think she'd be more ready and not as sad. I think we'd feel blessed if we could witness together the two of our kids growing up.</div><div><br /></div><div>Of course I'll take any time life gives her.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-31459270061873842362011-01-05T12:23:00.002-05:002011-01-05T12:24:02.959-05:00I love my kids, I really do but there are some days I think I'd trade them in for a 25 cents off coupon for deodorant.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-35416866081401916452010-11-29T17:16:00.002-05:002010-11-29T17:19:06.493-05:00More rants on governmentAll of the governments are cockroaches and WikiLeaks is the flashlight. It's not going to take them down, but it'll make them scatter for awhile and hopefully we can get some peace. <div><br /></div><div>A politician makes his living saying what government can do for you; emphasis on the word SAYING.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-2167388045498620232010-11-16T10:33:00.003-05:002010-11-16T10:35:42.965-05:00You've Got MailMy daughter does this thing where she sits at her Tenda, writing a "letter." This letter has a few words on it but mostly pictures of things she loves: birds, cats, family, tv shows. She'll wrap up the letter into roughly what's an envelope size. She will then run past you and throw the letter at you in a delivery fashion. It'll float in the air for a few seconds then land near you. Then she'll watch from a distance as you open it and read the letter from her.<div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-37176625481685743312010-11-08T12:57:00.002-05:002010-11-08T12:58:21.130-05:00Social SecuritySocial security will fix itself by eventually raising the retirement age to equal the average life span.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-67610459802918280032010-11-04T11:22:00.001-04:002010-11-04T11:23:53.164-04:00More Political ObservationsLiberals need a lesson in economics. Conservatives need a lesson in conservatism. You can't force someone to do something and expect them to like it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-62796487617554594632010-11-02T09:17:00.001-04:002010-11-02T09:17:28.456-04:00Election DayWhen money is forced, it loses its value.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-77072959056934804312010-10-12T13:24:00.005-04:002010-10-12T15:03:01.486-04:00Examine Your HeadI am waiting in the OR waiting room at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland. It is hour five into Mrs. Lock's brain surgery to remove a pheo tumor from her skull. I just got an update from the room nurse that things are going fine and that I can expect to talk to the surgeon in the next 45 minutes.<div><br /></div><div>Update 1457. Dr. Heiss, the neurosurgeon came to talk to me. Procedure was uneventful - relatively speaking. They removed a good portion of the tumor. The parts left on the vein they didn't want to touch, too risky. Radiation will have to take care of that. They're waking her up now and I can see her in about half an hour. I have no idea what to expect. </div><div><br /></div><div>Doctor did say a good portion of it was in the skull. It didn't look like any of it had invaded the brain, maybe touching it but not growing into it. And she was stable through the whole thing. She did receive "two units" of blood. Doctor said when they were closing her up, the bleeding had stopped.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-58645331467245767872010-10-07T19:04:00.001-04:002010-10-07T19:04:28.634-04:00Prophecy<br>Don't mistaken prophecy for a really good plan.<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-13571835890211405292010-10-03T12:57:00.003-04:002010-10-04T13:31:00.162-04:00Worst day of my life<div>99% of you will never have a day this bad.</div><div><br /></div>Today, on my wife's 37th birthday, her oncologist scheduled neurosurgery for her.<div><br /></div><div>Yesterday, the oncologist and a team of doctors told her that she has a tumor in her skull growing and pressing into her brain. Brain surgery is the best option followed by radiation, but because of her existing condition surgery has to wait until they can get her blood pressure under control which they'll do with medication. <div><br /></div><div>So we wait.<div><br /></div><div>The speed of the growth of this neuro-tumor is surprisingly fast since it was just a speck on a scan just over a month ago. Now we wait another week before neurosurgeons can go in and remove it hoping it doesn't move in and make itself at home first.</div><div><br /></div><div>Since my wife was diagnosed with metastatic pheo four years ago, we've been treading water. When that first doctor sat us down and told us she had a tumor in her hip and one in her neck, I remember being stunned. I couldn't move, react, talk, I couldn't even swallow saliva as it hung in my throat. This is the reaction to devastation. We thought at that moment, it was the end of the world. She had surgery later that year to remove both which did a bit of damage.</div><div><br /></div><div>After that, she was accepted into a study group program at the National Institute of Health to began regular scans to find where else these tumors may grow. The scans revealed they were EVERYWHERE! She had them in her liver, her spine, her skull, her ribs, her other hip. When we got this report, it happened again. Stunned. We're still treading water, but we're sinking.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now with this latest news, a disease that can not normally cross the blood-brain barrier like most cancers, it has found a way into her brain directly from the skull. </div><div><br /></div><div>We are drowning.</div><div><br /></div><div>If we felt our backs were against the wall four years, we've already pressed through the drywall and are standing outside on the lawn. I don't know how many more times I can reassess the situation, go through the stages of grief and come out at the end optimistic. This is the god damned brain we're talking about. <b>It does NOT get more serious than this.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>After the news in that NIH hospital room on that fateful day, after the team of doctors left us alone to grieve, and grieve we did, Mrs. Lock came through with it and still maintains a positive attitude. This automatically makes her the strong one.</div><div><br /></div><div>We did even start to joke about it that day. Her lunch arrived. She had a popsicle she opened, tried to remove it from the package but only the stick came out, leaving the popsicle inside. When I saw what happened, I replied, "Boy, this just isn't your day." We had a good laugh about the obvious understatement this conveyed.</div><div><br /></div><div>To take our minds of things, she asked me to go to the hospital library and check out a movie for us to watch. She said she wanted a comedy, no drama. I asked, "So no Brian's Song?" Are you starting to sense how I deal with grief?</div><div><br /></div><div>When we debated when to call our parents and give them the dire news. Mrs. Lock said "Well at least it's not all in my head...well it is...but it's not." I suggested she call her parents and say it exactly like that "Well, it's all in my head!" Mrs. Lock laughed but reminded me they would be so pissed. </div><div><br /></div><div>Probably.</div><div><br /></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-45125398296248812172010-10-02T00:20:00.001-04:002010-10-02T00:20:35.291-04:00Facebook Family<br>Sometimes I wish my mom wasn't on Facebook because she can get all motherly in front of 250 of my friends. But then I think, how many people have a mom who's on Facebook? That's kind of cool.<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-88127741678414593472010-09-29T09:17:00.002-04:002010-09-29T09:18:12.880-04:00PoliticsPolitics is about securing the most amount of power with the least amount of resistance. This makes it a moral issue for me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-77155671459793163252010-09-22T11:01:00.003-04:002010-09-22T11:08:57.200-04:00Right or LeftThe voters don't know what they want or rather they have short-term memory loss. In the previous administration (Republican), we went to war for basically nothing. Weapons of mass destruction that turns out weren't there. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Afghanistan</span> was a response to 9/11. So the country gets pissed off that we went to war for nothing and elects the other side into power (Democrats). This administration has passed bulky health care reform that has once again pissed off the country. It looks like they'll lose their power in the coming elections and the country will swing back to Republican. <div><br /></div><div>The problem is, the damage has already been done. Nothing is ever undone in government. And the swinging that the voters are doing has a wrecking ball on the end and it is smashing the country <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">every time</span> we put the "other" party into power. It's the two major parties that are to blame and no one thinks that the true change is going to have to come from outside of the establishment. Quit voting Republican. Quit voting Democrat. Find a candidate that represents your beliefs the most and if you can't find one, vote for yourself or we won't be able to break this cycle and government will continue to interfere in our lives.</div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5157111.post-296826485551811192010-09-21T20:25:00.000-04:002010-09-21T20:26:05.876-04:00BummerI have a couple of stoned women in my bathroom and there's nothing I can do with this.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com