sensing samsara

My feelings about my terminal wife

2011-02-06T10:31:00.004-05:00

It's day 6 since my wife's oncologist informed us her liver is failing and the rest we let happen naturally and boy have I gone through emotions and have quite a few thoughts.

Initially I wanted this part to go quickly. She is not herself. She can hardly talk and what she can say doesn't make any sense. It happened so quickly, one day we could talk each other, the next she had so much trouble concentrating and couldn't give the right replies, that I feel robbed I didn't get to say goodbye even though I have told her in her confused state. I told her on Tuesday that I was going to miss her and have told her many many times that I love her. That is one of the few things she can respond to, she tells me she loves me back.

So I do want this part to go quickly. I don't think her parents do. Saturday was rough for me, I took our daughter to a birthday party and I felt bad the whole time because my wife wasn't with me nor could I tell her about it. My anxiety shot through the roof that day. Another thing I realized that day, I like taking care of her. Even though she isn't who she used to be, I like doing this because she is still some semblance of the woman I married. My selfishness to hang onto her and helping me realize this even though I still generally believe, it needs to end soon. It's best for me and for her, I know what she would want. We have talked about that many times. It does anger me euthanasia is illegal. We should have the right to go out how we want. I don't care how controversial it is, you are not in my shoes and if we both agreed it is the way to handle it in this kind of situation, we should have the right. We should know how to handle our loved ones, not a group of emotionless bureaucrats hundreds of miles away who think they know what's better for my family than us. Dr. Kevorkian was really a good and passionate and understanding man and he didn't deserve the treatment he received.

I'm fighting the feelings that I don't want her to go. If it's too much longer, I don't know how I'm going to take it when death comes. She doesn't want this. I don't want this. It's human nature to hold onto something we know we're losing, that is the selfish reason, not what I want.

Talking to your kids about the death of a loved one

2011-02-06T10:25:00.004-05:00

I had the talk with my daughter about Mommy's poor health. I tried to do something for the two of them where my daughter could trace her mom's hand in a book about the afterlife. She seemed interested at first, but then withdrew and insisted she wanted to play. It was then I knew it was time to talk to her.

I took her upstairs into our bedroom where nothing could distract us. I told her that she already knew Mommy was sick. The next part I told her she had never heard from me. I told her that she was not going to get healthy again. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I told her that Mommy was going to die soon. She asked me a couple of questions.

"Will there be a new Mommy?" No I said.

"You mean it's just going to be Daddy and kids?" Yes I said.

She later asked me "When Mommy dies will she be able to see everything?"

I pulled out a book I got from a social worker called the Invisible String about a Mom's solid bond with her kids and how that bond remains in tact when the kids and Mom are separated. I had a tough time getting the words out but I made it through.

It's my plan to answer any questions my daughter might have. I'll even check with her regularly to see if she has any and put her at ease that she can ask anything and I will be honest with her.

I got more questions later that night. She asked me "Is Mommy going to die for real?" Yes I said somberly. She then asked me if there are other kids who don't have mommies. I said yes and that there were many who don't have daddies but that her Daddy was not going anywhere and was going to take very good care of her and her brother.

The Beginning of the End

2011-02-02T12:18:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, February 1, 2011, on our daughter's 6th birthday, we got the word from my wife's oncologist that her liver is failing and there's nothing left to do. She is in her last days and very soon will die at the age of 37 from a cancer called pheochromocytoma. Our family is in grief to lose such a prominent member. I don't want to be widowed at 38. I shouldn't be.

I try to explain to my 6 year old daughter and 3 year old son that Mommy is very very sick. My daughter asks if it's the winter making her sick. Since we've had such a cold and long winter, it certainly seems that way.

Soon my wife will be discharged from the hospital and we will begin hospice care for her at home.

Your health is so important. Don't take it for granted and realize whatever crap is going on in your life, it's not really that bad. Relish in the fact that you have the chance to learn from it and come out a better person.

A miracle

2011-01-28T12:23:00.005-05:00

A miracle is just another way of saying the odds are really low. They can still happen, but not very often. A miracle should surprise us since by definition it's supposed to be a rare occurrence.

Is it not a miracle that we can sit inside a steel cage and drive our bodies at 60 miles per hour and do it in a group of other drivers without harm? Is it not a miracle we can get from one coast of the country to the other in a matter of hours and by doing it five miles in the air? Is it not a miracle the sun burns as bright and as hot as it does to sustain life on our planet and will continue to do so for billions of years? If a miracle is supposed to be amazing things, those things are all miracles and they happen everyday.

When a rare occurrence becomes common as we continue to evolve and master control over things in nature, the idea of what was once a miracle changes from something that used to be impossible. Because of this, we take many wonderful things for granted and look for the new miracle that impresses us. Why not once a miracle, always a miracle?

At this point in my life, our family needs a miracle.

Lifts

2011-01-26T12:05:00.002-05:00

Everyone is shorter at home. At home, you don't have your shoes on so you don't notice. If you had your shoes on all the time at home, you notice how tall you are.

At work, you don't notice how tall you are until you take your shoes off. Then everything is a little bit taller than you without your shoes.

2011-01-12T10:56:00.003-05:00

My wife went out to Bethesda, MD to the NIH as a follow up to her brain surgery in October. We knew before going out there, that her health was declining - she was getting worse, not better. We also knew there was a strong possibility that the series of scans they would do would find what we feared.

Before I went to bed Monday night, I realized the date come morning would be 1-1-11. Our species appreciates patterns such as this. Very gimicky, kinda neat, something fun. I also realized it would probably be the date we would get the worst news for our family and I wasn't going to need a repetitive numerical scheme to remember that date.

The call came about 3:30p from my wife. With tremor in her voice, speech that I could tell she had been crying, before she could say anything, I knew. She got the words out telling me that there's not much more her doctors can do for her. She asked them if she should prepare for the end and they told her that she should.

My wife is only 37 years old and her prognosis is terminal cancer. We have two kids, a son who is 3 and a daughter who is about to turn 6. The tragedy in this, the real hurt is she doesn't get to see them grow up. If my wife could last another 15 years, I think she'd be more ready and not as sad. I think we'd feel blessed if we could witness together the two of our kids growing up.

Of course I'll take any time life gives her.

2011-01-05T12:23:00.002-05:00

I love my kids, I really do but there are some days I think I'd trade them in for a 25 cents off coupon for deodorant.

More rants on government

2010-11-29T17:16:00.002-05:00

All of the governments are cockroaches and WikiLeaks is the flashlight. It's not going to take them down, but it'll make them scatter for awhile and hopefully we can get some peace.

A politician makes his living saying what government can do for you; emphasis on the word SAYING.

You've Got Mail

2010-11-16T10:33:00.003-05:00

My daughter does this thing where she sits at her Tenda, writing a "letter." This letter has a few words on it but mostly pictures of things she loves: birds, cats, family, tv shows. She'll wrap up the letter into roughly what's an envelope size. She will then run past you and throw the letter at you in a delivery fashion. It'll float in the air for a few seconds then land near you. Then she'll watch from a distance as you open it and read the letter from her.

Social Security

2010-11-08T12:57:00.002-05:00

Social security will fix itself by eventually raising the retirement age to equal the average life span.

More Political Observations

2010-11-04T11:22:00.001-04:00

Liberals need a lesson in economics. Conservatives need a lesson in conservatism. You can't force someone to do something and expect them to like it.

Election Day

2010-11-02T09:17:00.001-04:00

When money is forced, it loses its value.

Examine Your Head

2010-10-12T13:24:00.005-04:00

I am waiting in the OR waiting room at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland. It is hour five into Mrs. Lock's brain surgery to remove a pheo tumor from her skull. I just got an update from the room nurse that things are going fine and that I can expect to talk to the surgeon in the next 45 minutes.

Update 1457. Dr. Heiss, the neurosurgeon came to talk to me. Procedure was uneventful - relatively speaking. They removed a good portion of the tumor. The parts left on the vein they didn't want to touch, too risky. Radiation will have to take care of that. They're waking her up now and I can see her in about half an hour. I have no idea what to expect.

Doctor did say a good portion of it was in the skull. It didn't look like any of it had invaded the brain, maybe touching it but not growing into it. And she was stable through the whole thing. She did receive "two units" of blood. Doctor said when they were closing her up, the bleeding had stopped.

Prophecy

2010-10-07T19:04:00.001-04:00

Don't mistaken prophecy for a really good plan.

Worst day of my life

2010-10-03T12:57:00.003-04:00

99% of you will never have a day this bad.

Today, on my wife's 37th birthday, her oncologist scheduled neurosurgery for her.

Yesterday, the oncologist and a team of doctors told her that she has a tumor in her skull growing and pressing into her brain. Brain surgery is the best option followed by radiation, but because of her existing condition surgery has to wait until they can get her blood pressure under control which they'll do with medication.

So we wait.

The speed of the growth of this neuro-tumor is surprisingly fast since it was just a speck on a scan just over a month ago. Now we wait another week before neurosurgeons can go in and remove it hoping it doesn't move in and make itself at home first.

Since my wife was diagnosed with metastatic pheo four years ago, we've been treading water. When that first doctor sat us down and told us she had a tumor in her hip and one in her neck, I remember being stunned. I couldn't move, react, talk, I couldn't even swallow saliva as it hung in my throat. This is the reaction to devastation. We thought at that moment, it was the end of the world. She had surgery later that year to remove both which did a bit of damage.

After that, she was accepted into a study group program at the National Institute of Health to began regular scans to find where else these tumors may grow. The scans revealed they were EVERYWHERE! She had them in her liver, her spine, her skull, her ribs, her other hip. When we got this report, it happened again. Stunned. We're still treading water, but we're sinking.

Now with this latest news, a disease that can not normally cross the blood-brain barrier like most cancers, it has found a way into her brain directly from the skull.

We are drowning.

If we felt our backs were against the wall four years, we've already pressed through the drywall and are standing outside on the lawn. I don't know how many more times I can reassess the situation, go through the stages of grief and come out at the end optimistic. This is the god damned brain we're talking about. It does NOT get more serious than this.

After the news in that NIH hospital room on that fateful day, after the team of doctors left us alone to grieve, and grieve we did, Mrs. Lock came through with it and still maintains a positive attitude. This automatically makes her the strong one.

We did even start to joke about it that day. Her lunch arrived. She had a popsicle she opened, tried to remove it from the package but only the stick came out, leaving the popsicle inside. When I saw what happened, I replied, "Boy, this just isn't your day." We had a good laugh about the obvious understatement this conveyed.

To take our minds of things, she asked me to go to the hospital library and check out a movie for us to watch. She said she wanted a comedy, no drama. I asked, "So no Brian's Song?" Are you starting to sense how I deal with grief?

When we debated when to call our parents and give them the dire news. Mrs. Lock said "Well at least it's not all in my head...well it is...but it's not." I suggested she call her parents and say it exactly like that "Well, it's all in my head!" Mrs. Lock laughed but reminded me they would be so pissed.

Probably.

Facebook Family

2010-10-02T00:20:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I wish my mom wasn't on Facebook because she can get all motherly in front of 250 of my friends. But then I think, how many people have a mom who's on Facebook? That's kind of cool.

Politics

2010-09-29T09:17:00.002-04:00

Politics is about securing the most amount of power with the least amount of resistance. This makes it a moral issue for me.

Right or Left

2010-09-22T11:01:00.003-04:00

The voters don't know what they want or rather they have short-term memory loss. In the previous administration (Republican), we went to war for basically nothing. Weapons of mass destruction that turns out weren't there. Afghanistan was a response to 9/11. So the country gets pissed off that we went to war for nothing and elects the other side into power (Democrats). This administration has passed bulky health care reform that has once again pissed off the country. It looks like they'll lose their power in the coming elections and the country will swing back to Republican.

The problem is, the damage has already been done. Nothing is ever undone in government. And the swinging that the voters are doing has a wrecking ball on the end and it is smashing the country every time we put the "other" party into power. It's the two major parties that are to blame and no one thinks that the true change is going to have to come from outside of the establishment. Quit voting Republican. Quit voting Democrat. Find a candidate that represents your beliefs the most and if you can't find one, vote for yourself or we won't be able to break this cycle and government will continue to interfere in our lives.

Bummer

2010-09-21T20:25:00.000-04:00

I have a couple of stoned women in my bathroom and there's nothing I can do with this.

War Cont.

2010-09-17T11:23:00.002-04:00

A follow up to my Jan 09 post "War."

Mrs. Lock is done with chemo. It did it's job and very well. It took care of her big pain but now it's no longer effective, so as of this month, she's done with her cycles after being on it for over a year and a half. She received a week of radiation to the hip to take care of the nagging pain there.

Her NIH doctors are looking at drugs to put her on to deal with what's left. In the meantime, she has her own medicine she's taking that has shown successful with a couple of patients with her disease.

Senior Citizen Parents

2010-09-17T10:59:00.003-04:00

My blog has seen a lot of inactivity lately. I'll blame World of Warcraft mostly. I'm on a break now and am posting again so that must be it. It's unfortunate since there is so much going on in my life now, it's perfect time to talk (write) about it.

Dad came up to visit last week. I took him and the kids to the Children's Museum. Since he's 60 now, he gets the senior discount. This made me laugh although I went through a couple of emotions other than humor, mostly humor though. I was happy to pay a discount rate but Dad getting old reminds me I'm getting old. I am fortunate to have young parents. When they were my age, I was half way through high school. My oldest child is only 5.

It does make me think about what kind of people they were. Very much like me no doubt. Just thinking of them knowing then what I know now and they did it was three kids, it kind of awes me. Life is not hard in this country, far from it. There are few things to worry about but you do have responsibility, especially to your family and at 38 my parents were just kids like I am now. All things are relative of course.

Glad to be back and writing again.

Haven't done a snapshot in over four years! Here it is for 2010.

--

Snapshot

Market: (GAWD down 4.5 years later)
DJI 10615, NASDAQ 2316, SP5 1128

#1 Movie at the box office:
Resident Evil: Afterlife

Last movie I saw at the theater:
Toy Story 3

Last movie(s) I saw not at the theater:
The Green Mile

Daywatch

Books I'm currently reading:
None

Broadcasts I'm listening to:
Howard Stern on Sat radio

Alternative, 80's.

Video games I'm playing:
Angry Birds (Droid Phone), Starcraft 2, Got Populous 3 out of the closet, blew the dust off (Win95 game).

Price I'm paying for gas:
$2.89/gallon (wow, did not change this from the value I had 4.5 years ago).

Last several Google searches:

syler actor

dell precision t7400
webcam roulette

condusive (checked spelling, it's a c)

zionsivlle friendly tavern

easy root

doctor who episode guide

Bipartisan

2009-09-18T14:42:00.001-04:00

Republicans: There's always an enemy.

Democrats: There's always a poor person.

4 year old vocab

2009-03-28T20:21:00.010-04:00

Lightning is "Thunder Lights"
Bathing Suit is "Babing Suit" (That's kinda true)

Sidewalk is a "Walk Side"

Trick or Treat pale is "Pumpkin Purse"

Humidifier is a Human Fire

Tess: "Daddy, can I have a magic hat so I can make my brother disappear?"

She's 5 now (over 5.5) but she calls TV static the "sparklers."

War

2009-01-09T09:10:00.005-05:00

I hesitate to post this since I don't like to talk about my wife's affliction much. But as a matter of record so we remember what we did and when, here it is.

The challenging year continues of Mrs. Lock going through full body radiation, spot radiation, liver surgery in July, intense back pain and countless tests, scans and blood draws to combat the dozens of tumors that plague her body, she has started chemo therapy as of yesterday. The schedule is every three weeks for unknown number of years.

She's 35. That's all I have to say for now.

More toddler speak

2008-10-25T10:22:00.007-04:00

More of my 3 year old daughter's vocabulary

hamburger = hangerburr
dinosaur = dinasorn
temperature = pentager

gloves = glubs

M&M's = M's M's

Bathing suit = Babing Suit

High five = Have a five

Public Property

2008-09-18T12:46:00.005-04:00

The problem with public property is that you'd have to follow someone else's rules and people can come up with some pretty stupid rules.

Cell Phone Mixup

2008-09-18T12:46:00.003-04:00

I've had my cell phone for a couple of years now. I've had the number even longer, about 10 years.

One afternoon, I was leaving work. I don't get a signal at my desk so I shut off the phone during the day to save the battery. When I get out to the parking lot, I turn it on and it plays catch up with any calls/voicemails/text messages I missed during the day. My phone chimes, I have a text message.

"Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?"

My phone doesn't recognize the phone number or it would've put someone's name on the header corresponding to an entry in the address book. I don't recognize the phone number either. So I reply.

"Who dis?"

"Mark," a few minutes later.

I know a Mark. He's very social, looking for things to do with friends so I text back.

"[Mrs. Lock] out of town. Home alone."

I get the reply.

"Who's [Mrs. Lock]?"

So I know there's a crossed wire somewhere. I text back,

"Don't know you. Sorry."

That's the end of it. No responding texts.

The next day, I get up, check my phone. There's a missed call. From the same mystery number that text me yesterday. There's no voicemail, so I blow it off.

That night, I'm sitting at my computer. It's about 11:30p. I've got my cell next to me and it rings. It's the same phone number from the strange text messages. I answer.

"Hello?" Long pause. "Hello? Who is this," I ask.

"Mark," the caller replies.

"How can I help you Mark?"

I hear the phone pull away from the speaker's mouth as he says "What the f-?" Disconnect.

I go back to the computer. Maybe 30 minutes later, it's after midnight now, I get a text. It's from you-DONT-know-who.

"Are you upstairs?" it reads.

At this point, my mental wheels start turning. I am indeed upstairs. But this guy has mistaken me for someone else. I look around and remembered I opened the curtains and windows fully to cool the room off. It's dark outside. I can't see anything but people could see in if there's anyone standing out there.

I text back. "I don't know you."

He texts back. "I'm downstairs."

Oh crap! I fly up out of my chair, I start turning on all the lights, in the hallway. I fly down the stairs, turn on the entry hall light, more hallway lights, living room, dining room, kitchen. I'm checking all the locks on the doors. They are still locked. There can't be anyone in my house. This guy must have the wrong number I think to myself despite being a little freaked out at the moment.

I hear some noises outside so I open the back door and step out onto the porch. There is a party going on a few doors down. It's very typical coming from that house though. If they weren't noisy late at night, I'd know something is wrong. I listen for any other noises, movements in the dark. There is nothing.

I come back inside, close the door. Lock it. Decide to go to bed. I take my cell phone with me but since this guy is a night owl, I don't want his calls waking me up. So I silence the ringer.

Finally I get to sleep after the adrenaline leaves my system. I get up the next morning and the first thing I do is look at my phone. No missed calls. No text messages.

I recounted the whole story to my wife over the phone. She mentioned she sold her old cell phone in a garage sale the day before and I could be getting messages from that. It's possible although the area code she sold the phone in does not match the one calling me. I decide to do nothing.

Later that day I get one more message from Mystery Mark. It says "Want to play vball at vic?" Sounds harmless. Not very stalker-like. I ignore that one and that's the last I've heard from them.

Lock Family Goes to the Fair

2008-08-13T10:37:00.002-04:00

Took the family to the State Fair last night. We go every year but for the first time, this year, we went by train. Daughter Lock loves trains. Big fan of Thomas the Tank Engine (most kids her age seem to be). This was her first time on one after talking about them incessantly. I think she was a bit surprised people could actually climb inside and use it as transportation.

Once we got to the fair, Daughter Lock had another first. She rode a roller coaster. A year ago this time, she was apprehensive about a carousel ride we took together. That nervous look in her eyes as the plastic horse went round and round, up and down. This year, she's really showing her maturity. She saw the roller coaster and demanded she "ride the caterpillar." We tried to talk her out of it but she was insistent. I went and bought a couple of tickets, one for me one for her and we went on the caterpillar roller coaster. She loved it. I told her to raise her arms when we went around as is coaster tradition and she did it. She did a bit of friendly screaming as we roared down the track at 30 mph.

After it was over, I asked if she wanted to go again. She said,

"No. It's too scary." But she said it with a smile.

On the train ride back, she zonked out in the seat, exhausted from trying new things.

Growing Up

2008-07-24T13:43:00.000-04:00

My kids are growing up fast. Daughter Lock is all but potty trained. Son Lock can sit up on his own for quite awhile, roll over in crib to lie on his stomach. I like it all very much.

Little people.

2008-06-07T15:29:00.001-04:00

Why are people so anal about toilet paper?

Easy Reads

2008-05-18T17:08:00.003-04:00

Have you ever seen the Cliff Notes on the Chronicles of Narnia books? They say:

"Read the book."

Three Year Olds

2008-04-16T08:42:00.008-04:00

My oldest child is three years old. It's a very interesting age for a parent to observe. It's when she is most like a person but also when she is very demanding. And these aren't demands that make sense or a essential to survival to a fellow human being. Three-year-olds want the DUMBEST things! And if they don't get it, you are certainly going to hear about it.

I think I've said this before here, but kids are text book cases for severe bouts of OCD.

My theory on this is that the world is just beginning to make sense to them. There might be some order after all to this crazy environment, which is quite a shock to them. Out of the womb, everything is chaos, always has been and they're ok with that.

As adults, we despise chaos. We spend our whole life getting things in order despite the laws of entropy and the universe.

For a child, order it's something new and they're very bad at it, amateurs. So they don't know what's important and what's not important. They could take the time to sit down, draw an outline of what's necessary and discard what isn't. Unfortunately, it's rare for someone so young to reach this level of reasoning (maybe that's a good thing for development reasons) so it's just easier to demand it for everything in their life. Shoot now, ask questions later...MUCH later. YEARS later! Maybe never as is the case for many adults.

If you leave the room, my daughter yells out, "I'll be back." She will continue to yell this until you acknowledge her. And you can't just acknowledge it with a nod or something affirmative. You have to repeat the phrase verbatim. This means the following phrases are unacceptable:

"Yup"
"Yes"
"Ok"
"I'll be back in a minute."
"I will be back."
"I'll be right back."
"I'll be back, Daughter."
"Daddy will be right back."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Hush."
"Ok that's enough!"
"Do you want to go to your room?"
"Stop crying."
"Ok you don't have to go to your room, just stop crying."
"And quit asking that. Ok fine! I'LL BE BACK!"

And you better say it loud, because she is repeating the phrase every half a second. If she doesn't hear you, the cycle continues until she does. Same format for "Good night" "Going bye bye?" "You hungry?" "Carry me"

Other evidence of OCD in children, when my daughter goes to bed, she usually takes a few toys. Each night it's different toys but when she falls asleep, I take the toys out of her bed. In the morning. when she wakes up, nay before she is completely awake, still rubbing her eyes and yawning, she will ask where toys x, y and z are! Imagine how obsessive you have to be to think of the items you carried to bed a day ago and can perform total recall of its inventory after sleeping all night?

I don't think it's her daily schedule that makes her this way. She doesn't have a strict schedule per se. She goes to bed at varying times (it is every night, just random hours), eats at varying times, takes baths at varying times. I can't imagine how demanding she'd be if we did have her on such a schedule.

So there's the good stuff too. Memory like a computer.

Her maternal grandfather has a ring tone on his phone that's the Jenny song (867-5309, for a good time, for a good time caaaaaaaallll). She loves this ring tone, breaks into song as soon as his phone rings.

Weeks later we were at Jimmy Johns getting a bite to eat when the Jenny song came on over the sound system. The chorus hadn't even started, just the beginning of the song with the first verse and my daughter started bopping her head to the music. She blurted out the word "Grandpa" and then did the sign language sign for Grandpa. That's a neat trick.

Another time, we were watching the movie Gone Baby Gone with Casey Affleck. I tell her the names of the movies I am watching. She repeated the title a few times during the show, but for the most part played with her toys while I watched the movie.

Several weeks later, I'm watching The Assassination of Jesse James starring who other than Casey Affleck as Robert Ford, James' assassin. He's dressed in 19th century clothes, has a ragged black hat on. My daughter, playing with her toys in front of the TV takes one look at the screen, looks back to her toys and says "Gone Baby Gone."

So she knows and remembers stranger's faces she's only seen once. Color me impressed.

Now if we can just get her to pee in something other than her diaper.

2008-04-07T22:17:00.001-04:00

"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people."
-- Oscar Wilde "The Soul of Man Under Socialism," 1891

A 3 year old's vocabulary

2008-03-18T19:28:00.003-04:00

My daughter is 3 now. Her ever-growing vocabulary is increasingly entertaining.

Chocolate is "Chlockate"
Kool-Aid is "Kloo Aid"
Toilet paper is "Paper toilet"
Licorice is "Lickerkish"

It's hard not to use her version of the words, but we have to try if we want her to learn the correct way to say things. Sometimes we think it's cute, other times, our brain has tricked us into thinking it's the correct pronunciation.

I also know her vocabulary is getting better because she is making up words. I've seen her point to an object in the room, then say the name of that object. Then say something unintelligible about it. It's not the usual 3 year old struggling to say the correct word. She obviously is making up a word and she will continue to call it different things, laughing at each verbal creation.

Politics Lives in an Oubliette

2008-02-22T10:08:00.005-05:00

2008 political warfare is in full swing. It's basically down to McCain on the Republican side while Obama and Clinton duke it out on the Democrat side. The two parties can have each other and with any luck, they'll destroy each other. Being a Republican or a Democrat is like being the member of an exclusive club. Some poeple take this club very seriously to the point that they feel it's country vs. country and they're at war.

To me, being a member of one of the two major parties is like being in the sewers. One group decides the left side of the crap creek is the place to be while the other group defends the other side. They're so caught up in defending their spot in the sewers, they don't realize that the better option would be to GET OUT OF THE SEWERS! They run the danger of not really focusing on the issues so much as how are they going to beat the other guy. Both parties are liars, both parties are hypocrites but it doesn't matter because they're at war and they can't let the other guy win. This sounds eerily much like religious warfare to me. They don't really know why they're fighting, they just know it's been that way for years. No need to stop and question things for themselves now.

Leprosy

2008-02-14T15:43:00.003-05:00

I need to check my Jeep's horoscope. Bad week for it. Bad mojo or something for my nine year old vehicle.

Today, I went through a drive thru to get some breakfast. It was a bit chilly out. I unzipped the window and folded it down (Soft top Jeeps have the soft windows that are zipped) but it snapped the complete length across the middle. I broke my plastic window. That's a chilly ride.

And yesterday, I was driving around with my windshield wipers extended since we had a lot of ice in the area. As I was driving along, I watched the passenger side wiper fall off the arm, hit the hood and slide off onto the road. You should see my windshield. I can see out my side of it, but the other side is covered in salt.

Wonder how long it will be before I get around to fixing either one of these things? Seven years ago, I ran over the metal bar that weighs down and connects the back window. That's never been replaced and all of the elements have invaded the back of my Jeep behind the back seat for the last seven years.

It's a Jeep thing, you wouldn't understand.

Surgery on our two month old

2008-02-11T22:00:00.001-05:00

My son had his second and hopefully final surgery in his very young life to treat his Hirschsprung 's.

Here was the surgery schedule on Monday, February 11.

9a: Got to the hopsital. They seated us in an OR waiting room to have doctors come visit us.

9:30: The anesthesiologist paid us a visit. Went over the procedure and asked if we had questions.

10: The surgeon stopped in. Went over procedure, asked if we had questions. Told us the procedure would take about 3 hours. We were also getting him circumcised. Which is like pulling teeth (pulling something) at this hospital. Out of all the time we spent there and all the visits since he was born, we had to keep bringing it up as something we wanted done and they never seemed to remember the last time we brought it up.

10:30: Finally, nurse came to pick up our son and to deliver him to surgery. We left the OR and went to the larger waiting room.

11:15: The OR waiting room nurse told us the procedure began officially. Circumcision would be done first, then the recision and the sealing of the ostomy. We received hourly updates on his progress.

2:50: Surgery is ended. He's on his way to recovery. 3h and 35 minutes.

4:20: We paid our son a visit in recovery. He was out like a light.

He was in recovery for at least another hour or so but not because of his condition but rather, they didn't have a room ready for him yet.

Doctor said the earliest he could go home would be Wednesday but it'd be more like Thursday or Friday realistically. We were there until Saturday. Mom stayed with him the whole time, bunked up in his room, sleeping in a recliner.

We're glad to have him home and have one less hole in his body.

iBlog

2008-02-10T18:44:00.000-05:00

Did this post?

Sent from my iPod

--

Picked up a little toy called the Apple iTouch. I'm very impressed with it. I'd been wanting one for awhile, thought they looked neat ever since the iPhone was released last fall. They were just a tad pricey for me. When Apple released the 32 Gb version of the iPhone/iTouch, prices went down. And since I picked it up at our favorite wholesale retailer, Costco, that was another $30 off the price. Not bad.

So this is the first post from my 8 Gb iTouch. I really like the device. It's too bad the only real way to interface with it is through iTunes. Ugh.

Power to the Toys

2008-01-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

There are few things neater than seeing the look on a child's face when you replace the batteries in a long dead toy, resurrecting its noisemaking abilities.

Bunner 1993-2008

2008-01-14T19:30:00.000-05:00

And the hits keep coming. Not a good year for our pets.

Our proud bunny, Bunner is in a better place today. Over the past couple of months, his appetite started to wane. The usual diet was a B.A. carrot (one guess what B.A. stands for) in the morning with a scoop of Oxbow pellets and a handful of hay. In the evening, he got another scoop of pellets and another handful of hay. On occassion, we'd swap his carrot for an apple or lettuce. But he didn't like normal lettuce. He had to have Romaine lettuce or nothing. Lately though, I've only had to feed him in the morning. Also, he was doing this thing where he had his back to us. He'd stare out the back of his cage at the wall and wouldn't face the door unless he was eating.

Over the weekend, he was struggling to stand sometimes. Had trouble getting up.

On Monday, he was lying down and not getting up. And he completely quit eating. His food just sat there. I'd see him pull himself around with his front paws, but his back paws weren't moving. We figured he had a stroke.

We scheduled an appointment with the vet to take a look at him and probably do the thing that we think has to be done. The average rabbit lives about 4 years. Ours little Bunner, was 15 and change.

When we got him to the vet, the vet said she has seen a lot of rabbits, but there were no standard procedures for one his age. She'd never seen one this old. She suspected that our rabbit had kidney failure and the pain from it is what was preventing him from standing up. Not a stroke. She said, there's not much we could do other than prolonging his life a little bit longer with treatment and probably some sort of dialysis, but we don't put our animal through that, if the diagnosis is chronic and the quality of life is degraded during treatment, it's not good for them. It's not good for anyone. The vet also noticed, with an exam, a mass on his chest.

So we made the decision. We said our goodbyes. We've asked the vet to have him cremated. We even picked out a little urn for him. He'll probably go on the fireplace mantel next to our cat.

Fifteen years. He was fun on Easter. He looked like the Cadbury Bunny too. He'd hop around the yard. He had a favorite corner he'd dug a hole into and he'd go back there and sleep. Occasionally, we get wild bunnies in the yard. You could tell, these scrawny wild rabbits didn't know what to think of our Bunner.

Speech of the Young

2008-01-14T09:36:00.002-05:00

My two year old daugther's vocabulary. Very cute.

carrot = "carrop"
rainbow = "rainbone"
trampoline = "bebbameen"
popcorn = "pockcorn"
7 of 9 (on Star Trek) = "7 7 of 9"
milk = "meelk"
helicopter = "coppitopper"
Jeopardy = "Jeppabee"
Brother = "Brudder"
computer = "competer"
phone = "foam"
pot pie = "pie pie"
upside down = "slide down"

Doesn't do this now, but before she turned 1:

banana = "banananana" (she only did this one time, now she gets it right)
mommy = "money"

What she gets exactly right (and loves to say):

Deal or no deal!
pacifier (4 whole syllables!)
kitty cat
hungry
dragonfly

Bringer of Death

2007-12-31T16:19:00.000-05:00

One morning, I was running a few hours late on a daily chore I call "feeding the barn." We have a cat, a rabbit and some fish. It was late morning by the time I got around to feeding the fish. My daughter noticed me grab the fish food from an upper bookshelf, pinch a few flakes into the tank and I went about feeding the other animals.

After the others had been fed, I walked back into the front room where my aquarium sits and I noticed my daughter standing on her little foot stool she uses at bathroom sinks to reach the faucet for washing, brushing, etc. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, just her standing on the stool next to the fish tank, nothing in her hands, her looking at me. No particular expression.

It was at this moment, I had a thought. She's two going on three and she has started mimicking things we do, repeating certain phrases too. I had a thought that since she just saw me feed the fish a few minutes before, she might like to try that too. I checked the fish food canister, it was still on the bookshelf where I left it, lid on and everything. Normally out of reach for a three foot little girl, but I did notice that thanks to her plastic height supplement, she was now tall enough to reach it. So I checked the tank.

Time stopped.

What I saw, or rather what I didn't see in that aquarium was unbelievable. There was so much fish food floating in my 30 gallon tank, I could no longer see the fish, the plants, the miniature roman ruins, fake rocks; nothing but floating fish food occupying every cubic inch of my tank.

I grabbed the fish food canister that didn't look out of place and I ripped off the lid. It was completely empty. I had just bought the food a few weeks ago, it was pretty full last time I checked and now I was staring at the bottom of an emptied yellow canister, awed by what my two year old daughter had accomplished.

I leaped to action. Emergency extraction from the tank into a breathable water to try and save my fish. The hard part was that I couldn't find them, the tank was so cluttered. I shoveled out as much fish food as I could, like ski patrol digging for survivors in an avalanche to get a location on the life inside. Eventually I spotted them.

They didn't want to go willingly. They hadn't been in the net since I cleaned the tank over a year ago but after a lot of chasing around, I was able to get them out and into a miniature tank I had ready.

They were finally out and in clear water while I worked on cleaning the tank.

The next day, the catfish died. Unfortunate, but I happen to know this particular breed does not deal with excitement very well. I figured the transference to the new environment was too much for it. So I flushed him and hoped for the best on his roommates.

A couple of days went by and the Black Skirt was swimming on his side. That's not good. I knew he didn't have much time left. The next day, he was still on his side but on the bottom of the temporary tank, no gill movement. Flushed. Also not a good sign as generally Black Skirts are very hearty fish. Nothing kills them unless they're on dry land.

Over the next couple of days, the remaining fish begin to swim crippled as well and eventually they all died.

The number one killer of fish is over feeding. All that excess food they had temporary access too and the excitement of the transference must have been too hard on them. The last three fish died in the same day so I had a 3-way toilet funeral for them. The executioner of these fish was standing beside me in the bathroom during my send off. She thought it was neat to see the fish corpses floating around in the toilet bowl. When I pulled the lever to send them to the great beyond, she said, "Bye fish!"

Handicapped

2007-12-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

You never realize how much you use the back of your index finger until you remove a layer of the skin from it.

Hirschsprung

2007-12-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

My second child is finally here but not without some excitement. And I'm not even talking about the excitement of the delivery which you can read about in the last post.

He has a condition called Hirschsprung's Disease that makes a portion of his colon (the tail end, pun intended) not function. Which means he can't pass waste properly. If nothing's coming out, nothing can go in (no room) which was the first symptom we noticed. He wasn't holding anything down when we fed him.

On day two of my son's new life, the doctors sent him to Riley Children Hospital for diagnosis, which conveniently sat next door to the hospital he was born in. He was checked into the NICU for observation and hopefully a diagnosis, hooked up to IV's (one coming out of his head) and a suction tube down his throat to remove whatever he hasn't already vomited.

Our hearts were broken.

Before we knew he had Hirschsprung's, most cases of newborns vomiting green fluid indicates a blockage somewhere in the digestion system, usually somewhere between the stomach and end. The green is the bile in the stomach used in digestion. Since he wasn't eating anything, all that was present in the stomach was this stuff and since there's no way else out of the body, the stomach sends it back up. A blockage in the intestines is much more common than Hirschsprung but it is also more of an emergency to deal with. It can be a twist in the intestines somewhere or an actual obstruction, both of which require immediate surgery to correct.

In Hirschsprung's, the temporary solution is to install an ostomy bag while the infant grows a bit stronger and bigger, then brought back at a convenient time (convenient for the patient) to correct the deficiency with surgery. It might be several months (up to nine) after diagnosis before the big surgery is done to correct it. There's no real hurry.

The surgeons discovered he had Hirschsprung's by performing a test done with a biopsy of his colon, sent to a lab and tested for a genetic defect where the nerves of the colon that function to push the waste out don't develop during gestation. The gene responsible for this is also a gene responsible for certain types of pheos, which is a condition his mother has. But it's the wrong kind of pheo. My wife's genetic defeciency is called SDHB. The Hirschsprung's gene creates pheos of MEN type. The surgeon wanted to make this connection, but the odds of a mother and son having pheos of differing types is more astronomical then any of the lottery systems in the world. It's rare enough to have a pheo. For 2 people in the same immediate family to have unrelated (non-inherited) pheos is just virtually impossible.

The one funny thing about this whole ordeal is that this hospital deals mostly with premature babies. After hauling our 10 pound full-term baby in there, he was Goliath among many David's. The wonderful nursing staff there had to readjust their expectation when picking up their newest patient and maybe their stance a little to steady themselves. Getting themselves checked for hernias after their shift was probably something they considered, I imagine.

My son was in the NICU from Tuesday December 4th until early Saturday December 8th, after which he was upgraded to the Infant Unit part of the hospital. Besides not being able to poop, the boy was too healthy to remain in NICU even though he still hadn't eaten anything since being born. During this time, Mrs. Lock was discharged from the hospital, deemed fit to return to society after her C-section. That was on Thursday the 6th.

The two hospitals are actually connected by an underground tunnel. While Mrs. Lock was in her hospital, we'd run over to visit our son in the neighboring hospital. I say run, it was actually wheel since Mrs. Lock was still recovering from C-section surgery. Imagine navigating old, smelly, creepy, dank tunnels with a patient in the wheelchair. We did some late night crossings to pay him visits. I don't know how far it was, felt like a mile of walking (pushing), but realistically it was probably closer to a quarter of a mile. Since we've been discharged though, the visits would have to be by car now.

It occurred to me at this point that for most of my son's life, all one week of it, he knows nothing other than IV's and feeding tubes and beeps and alarms and strange people dressed in blue catering to his every need. For most of his life so far, he's been in a sterile environment, laid up in a steel cage they call a bed, with little or not contact with his parents. They say bonding with your newborn, that physical close contact has an effect on a child's development, and yet we can only hold him for a few minutes a day. His first impression of life must be a strange one. Any situation for a newborn, sick or healthy is a strange one after incubating in a dark womb for nine months. This is what his cells are going to remember.

On Tuesday the 11th, my son had minor surgery (is any surgery minor?) to have a colostomy bag installed to remove from his body what his body couldn't. We were fearful and dejected to consent to this but he was a week old and still had nothing to eat. We knew it wasn't a good thing and we were starting to feel desperate.

After the ostomy procedure, they wanted to give our son about 12 hours for his system to flush out any fluid which was now going into this clear plastic pouch attached on a hole (hole = stoma) on his gut before they tried to feed him. We went home for the night, hoping for the best. We knew they'd be feeding him at some point on the midnight shift. We went to bed that night hoping for good news in the morning.

Wednesday morning came. We were anxious. My wife handed me the phone, asked me to call to get the news because she was too nervous about what they might say. I don't remember if I had any expectations. I think I was thinking that whatever the result, we would deal with it... somehow. So I called and listened to the nurse explain to me what happened. I'm sure my wife wanted to listen too but she didn't. She waited for a sign from me.

We got the news. For the first time in his life, our son ate.

I gave my wife the nod, whispered "He kept it down." Much relief. Actually, we were giddy to hear the news. Clapping in the bed. Eyes swelling up. We couldn't wait to go in to see him.

We got to the hospital and we continued to feed him every few hours with little to no problems. They even decided to give him some breast milk his mother had been pumping and refrigerating since he was born. We were happy to see he was keeping that down too.

He was doing so well after the surgery, that on Thursday the 13th, they decided to discharge him and send our little boy home with us. We were surprised to be taking him home two days after the ostomy surgery but we were also happy to get out of there.

We got home. My mother was watching our daughter for us. I sent Mrs. Lock into the house ahead of me and I quietly brought Baby Lock in behind her. I set him on the floor (still in his car seat I should point out), out of view and I walked in behind my wife. We greeted my mom and our daughter as we have been doing every day for the past week and as expected, my mom asked, "So how's he doing?"

I said, "Well..." and then I disappeared back into the hallway where I had set him down, picked him up, brought him into plain view and said, "You can ask him yourself."

If we were surprised to be taking our boy home today, my mom must have been triple surprised to see him. She was ecstatic that her grandson was home for the first time and she flocked to him like a grandmother would. She asked a million questions about how we were able to bring him home so soon, all the while not taking her eyes off of him. Maybe she thought if she looked away, he would disappear.

After getting situated, everyone de-coated and sitting down, my mom called my dad to tell him the good news. It was welcome news for all of us.

So now our family is finally home. Me, Mrs. Lock, Daughter Lock, Newborn Son Lock. And we couldn't be happier. We just wait for the day when they can do the surgery to fix him for good. The prognosis for infants with Hirschsprung's is very encouraging too. He should lead a very normal life after it's all said and done and he won't remember a thing.

That's a good reason to write about it.

My Son Arrives

2007-12-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

Today, my second child, my son, was born.

What a day. Mrs. Lock was scheduled for a c-section. When I first arrived this morning, the surgery staff informed me that I could not be present for the operation. This bit of news was like being stabbed. I was there for our daughter's c-section almost three years ago but I was going to miss my son's? Who was going to explain to him that I have pictures of his sister's birth but not his?

I decided to fight the decision.

First, I registered my complaint with the RN assigned to my wife. She said she would ask.

Next, we were paid a visit by the anesthesiologist (one of them anyway). After he went over his plan and asked for any questions, I brought up my plea with him. He said he did not see a problem with it and would check with his staff.

After him, the surgeon who would be performing the operation came to our room. I did not hesitate to let her know my desire but she said it wasn't up to her. Not up to the surgeon!? Clearly, a higher power didn't want me there.

I brought up my OR experience (I worked six months in the surgery department of a hospital to make money for school). I was told by the anesthesiologist that would help my case. I was told by the surgeon that didn't matter. She said that if there were to be an issue with the procedure, I interrupted her and said, "then I would leave." I don't think they expected this because they didn't seem to have a reply to it.

After everyone left, a surgical tech came to get my wife for surgery. I was told that if my presence was approved, they would come get me in about a half hour.

So I'm in my bunny suit that the OB gave me. If you've never seen one, it's a light cloth full body suit with a zipper in the front. It's called a bunny suit because it's completely white. It's like wearing a mosquito net. I'm dressed in it up to my neck with my head cover and cloth slippers that cover my shoes. I wait patiently in Mrs. Lock's room for them to come get me... if they come and get me.

Forty five minutes went by and I started to get worried. I turned my focus to wishing all was going well and that I would get to see my new son soon. A few minutes later, a nurse showed up and offered to escort me to the OR. I jumped at the offer.

We get down to the OR, downstairs on a lower level (I don't think we walked fast enough) and the woman at the front desk says I can't come in with that on. They don't like my bunny suit! I looked at her. The nurse escorting me looks at her. She tells me that I'm going to need OR scrubs instead.

"Well, let's make it quick then," I said.

She reaches into the desk drawer and hands me a set of keys and directs me to the men's locker room upstairs above the OR.

This is where my apprehension starts to escalate. They're waiting for me in the OR, and now I have to make a change of wardrobe.

I fly up the steps to the men's locker room. It's locked. The set of keys that were handed to me has 3 key cards on it. I try all 3, none of them work. I scanned them too fast. I went through them again a little slower, and I got one of them to work. I'm in.

My OR experience comes in handy here. Many OR changing rooms are alike so I'm feeling confident I'll find my way around this one. At the OR I worked at, the scrubs sat on a shelf, categorized by size. You just pulled what you wanted off the shelf, stuff your street clothes in a locker and off you go. I started looking for this shelf as soon as I stepped inside the locker room. I went up and down the aisles a couple of times. No shelf! Eventually I noticed this large metal box sitting in the middle of the room. It's about as tall as I am (6 feet), has an LCD screen on it and a keypad. It also has some lettering on it that I am now forgetting. But it had the word scrubs in it. Scrubs o Matic or something slogan like. It's a giant scrubs vending machine! No shelf, indeed! I don't know how to work this? You need a degree to operate this thing.

I start pressing buttons randomly, choosing options on the screen that I hope will net me my prize. Why not just install a grappling hook, a joystick and let me fish the scrubs out for a quarter?

It asks for a keycard. I start scanning in the three on my keychain. It beeps at me a lot. I'm getting lots of errors since I am an amateur scrubs vending machine operator. There's nothing else I can do but keep scanning my key cards and randomly push buttons. Eventually I get something to work. I hear a click. A door down near my legs swings open and crammed inside a small metal shelf is a scrubs suit.

I yank it out of there, slam the door shut, rip off my bunny suit and I do mean rip, take my street clothes off as fast as they'll drop and try on my new blue uniform.

What I neglected to notice while I was randomly hitting buttons to have my scrubs dispensed was the size. I don't know if this is the default setting or the last setting used, but apparently, my new suit, according to the tag, is X Small. It wouldn't fit a pixie! And not just small mind you, EXTRA small. I'm over 6 foot, 200 lbs plus.

Tiny scrubbles. I'm in a huge hurry so with a deep breath, I yank and pull on the pants that were made for an Olympic gymnast. With no room at the crotch area, I was going to sound like one too.

Result? Not even close. They don't even make it past my thighs, so the hips were out of the question. Since I'm pretty sure washcloth-sized shirts and pants dropped to your thighs isn't accepted dress code in hospital operating rooms, I have to go back and figure out how to get something closer to my size.

I spend a couple more frantic minutes at the machine trying to figure it out. In my off hours when I'm not waiting on my children to be delivered, I maintain multi-billion dollar computer infrastructures and networks for a federal administration. Very technical stuff that doesn't scare me. Machines are fun. As for this contraption that needs to dress me, surely I can figure this out. I HAVE to figure this out.

I can't figure this out.

During my fiddling, another guy walked in the locker room getting ready to leave for the day. I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I approach the guy in my underwear (remember I couldn't put those pants on and I wasn't about to waste precious seconds getting my own jeans back on) asking him for help. He politely escorts me back to the scrubs machine to show me how it's operated. He gets me to scan my card in and shows me where I can pick my size. I select large and thank him for his help. My new suit opens in a different door. I rip that out and with much success and sweat, finally don them.

I'd say 15 minutes has passed from the time I've left the room until now. It has felt like hours.

I cram my street clothes and the tiny dancer scrubs into some random unlocked locker. Steal my clothes, I don't care. I rush downstairs to get to my wife.

I return the keys to the OR front desk and ask them where OR 4 is located. She tells me down the hall, make a right.

That's where I go, down the hall, made a right. I start looking at the room numbers: OR 10, OR 11, OR 16. I'm going the wrong way! I am getting frantic now. Maybe I'll just lie in a fetal position on the floor until someone finds me. That sounded pretty good about then.

I turned around and started heading back. I stopped a nurse in the hallway to ask where OR 4. By this point, I'm thinking they've already delivered, I've missed everything, she's probably out of surgery, through recovery and back in her hospital room. Forget that. She's probably already packed and gone home with the baby. They're at home watching TV wondering where I'm at. All of this was for nothing. The nurse gladly escorts me to OR 4.

As we approach the room, she asks me to wait outside for a minute to find out if I am allowed to enter. She returns after a few seconds to tell me I'm too early and they will let me in shortly. Early?! I just spent a fortnight trying to get down here! Fortunately though, I didn't miss anything.

After a few minutes, a nurse comes out and lets me into the room. There are no less than 16 people in this room now. It could've been more like 20 but it's hard to count that many people moving around in one room. We are delivering at a med school hospital, so I imagine some are students. Some are on the c-section team, the anesthesiologists (plural), the nursery staff, some are here to intervene if Mrs. Lock's tumors start acting up. Some are just here to witness the surgery of a patient with pheochromocytoma tumors, being as rare as it is.

They gave me a stool and let me sit next to my wife at the head of the operating table. They've got a tent of sterile paper covering her upper body. Patients who are awake during surgery aren't allowed to see what's going on down there. She acknowledged me, seemed a bit pale and nervous. Given the amount of drugs in her system, this could just be a physical reaction. The room was packed. I was crammed in between the nursery team, the anesthesiologist team and my wife. It was a love triangle.

I managed to snake my hand into the paper tent and close it around hers. She had the pulse meter clipped to that hand so it was an awkward union but just the touch of the flesh was enough for me to say 'I'm here with you.'

The anesthesiologists were chatting it up with me. They asked me what hospital I worked at, what I did there. We were just shooting the breeze while the surgery team excavated my wife. And excavate is a good term. They even have miner helmets with a little light on top.

Spelunking anyone?

I found out later from my wife, the person who did not want me in the OR during the procedure was standing right behind me with the anesthesiologists. She was in charge of the room. My wife knows this because as they were wheeling her to the OR, she asked her if I could attend the procedure. The woman sighed, got very serious and told her that she guessed I could attend but that she was not going to talk to me and at any time during the procedure, she could eject me from the room and also added that she would not hesitate to call security to enforce her will.

Ok lady!

It's hard to believe that this is the same woman who was talking my ear off the whole time. She was very friendly, very inquisitive about my background. Very forthcoming about medical knowledge. She was talking so much, I wanted to tell her to pipe down so I could visit with my wife and watch the procedure. Maybe I'm just that charming. Or maybe she's bipolar. I didn't care. I got what I wanted.

I heard someone say here we go. That was my cue to stand up and start filming. I didn't ask anyone if I could film. I wasn't even allowed to be here. I was just going to start shooting and if someone objected, first I'd stall as long as I could but eventually I'd oblige. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

No one objected. I got the whole thing on tape (old man term for SD card). They pulled my son from his mother, yelled out a warning to the nursery crew that a giant was being born and quickly put him in the warmer bed to be cleaned up and weighed. I'm still filming at this point and did so until they weighed him. It was several minutes at least, then I turned off the camera to soak in what just happened. He was born at 11:20am (give or take 3 minutes) on 12/3/07.

I smelled something caustic. They've turned on the wood burner tool to begin the procedure of fixing my wife. I kept my attention on my new son.

The way the warmer bed was positioned, my wife couldn't get a good look at him. The bed sat on her left and down a little so that the paper draped over her blocked the view, that paper and the 20 people in the room. I took some pictures with the camera, and showed them to her on the digital screen.

After they got him weighed (10 pounds) and cleaned up, they asked me if I wanted to hold him. I checked with my wife for the okay, which she gave, and enthusiastically summoned the nurse to put him in my arms. We didn't get to do this with our daughter. I was holding my son minutes after he was born. With him in my arms, I was able to show him to his mother, up close, face to face. Tears of joy start flowing. She's happy to see him alive and well.

I return our son to the nursery team. They need to run him up to special care nursery to be checked out. After a few minutes, my wife starts to complain about something. I don't remember what she said, she was getting too cold or she felt really really bad. The anesthesiologists check the displays and acknowledged something was going on. Someone else was ripping open IV bags and getting them hung as quickly as they could. The RN who tended to my wife in her hospital room who was also in the OR, told me it was time to go.

I understood and went willingly with a bit of nervousness. I had complete faith in the doctors that were caring for my wife. I knew all would be well. I just wanted someone to tell me when.

I went back up to the room and by this time, all of the parents were there. They wanted to see the baby. I was under explicit orders from the Mom that no one was to hold the baby until she had the opportunity herself. I was going to enforce this rule with military command. But that didn't stop me from going to visit him in the nursery. I left the family behind in the room and spent some time with my son. I was still waiting word from my wife so I kind of had my thoughts split while I sat with my son who was passed out in the warmer bed in front of me. I talked to him, played with his tiny fingers a little. I was there for about 20 minutes, then decided to go back to the room and wait on my wife.

I don't remember how much time had passed. Probably an hour or so after I left her in the OR. They finally wheeled my wife back to her room. She was groggy from recovery but was in good spirits knowing she and her son came through the procedure successfully. We visited with all the parents in the room for some time and eventually they wheeled our new arrival into the room. Finally, mom got to see her son and hold him close. We all stood around watching as he was placed on her chest. My wife was very glad to see him and hold him.

That's it. The kid got passed around to everyone, lots of photos taken.

Little did we know at that time though, the hospital wasn't going to let us go so easily. Something was very wrong with our son.

Part II: Hirschsprung

What's In A Name?

2007-11-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

Oh man what a year.

So Mrs. Lock is closing in on birthing our second child, a boy. I say closing in, he's due in 3 days. I wish I would've posted more about the pregnancy but it's been a pretty standard one. It was a lot of fun to experience it all with our first child, but now it's old hat.

In fact, Mrs. Lock says she likes being pregnant! Since we're done after this one, she has said she is going to miss it.

Three days before the game, and we're still discussing names. I wanted to name our first child, Tumor since it functions like one, but since Mrs. Lock is growing actual tumors in her body, this is no longer appropriate.

For this child, I wanted to named him Oden, after the Viking supreme being. She's considering it but we both have veto rights and I have vetoed plenty of suggestions she's made. Maybe she's making suggestions she doesn't even like to make it appear I'm being difficult about this.

She's made a couple of suggestions I do like but I only like them because it's along the same vein as me wanting to name him Oden. Only she doesn't know that until I mention why I like it, then she no longer likes it. She really liked the name Griffin. I did too, but because it's the surname of a famous TV family on a show called Family Guy: Peter, Lois, Stewie, Meg, Chris and Brian, she has changed her mind.

So now what I'm doing is when she begins to suggest names that the inner-child in me likes and not necessarily the responsible adult would go for, I am keeping the story behind the name to myself and agreeing that yes, it is a nice name. She'll find out as soon as we get his name inked on that birth certificate.

In talking of life, and a reminder that the Universe is balance, I have to mention that last Thursday, on Thanksgiving night, my Grandma Lock passed away. She was 89. Rest in peace as you always did in life. I miss you.

Nonpreferred Customer

2007-11-06T09:36:00.001-05:00

I wrote (emailed) my credit card company, outlining for them the security holes they have on their website login. It's ridiculous that a supposed "premier" financial institution has such weak security for their website.

I ended the email with "I'm not comfortable using your website until you rectify these security concerns."

I got a response. I should say I got a link to a response. The email reply told me to log into the message center on the website to read their reply.

Ouch.

Treat or Treat

2007-10-19T12:54:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was 11, I went trick or treating around the apartment complex. I was getting a good haul of candy that night. Apartments are great for that, plenty of targets to hit to load up on as much product as you can carry. I came upon one door and knocked. A middle-aged gentle man (middle-aged to an 11 year old could have meant he was only 23) answered as was the custom on such a night and according to the ritual I answered what every kid answers on Halloween.

TRICK OR TREAT!

The man kneels down, lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. He's got some sort of metal object in one hand and a tool of some sort in another. He touches the tool to the metal rod then pulls it slowly away as an electric arc appears, stretching from the tool to the object. It made a neat noise, it's firework-like properties looked cool. Even a young kid can appreciate the ozone smell that wafted from the event...but where's my candy? You know candy? Candy, sir? Candy that our generation begs for every year.

To my awe, I began to realize, he didn't have any. He said something like "Isn't that cool," or "There you go" and closed his door, waiting until the next sucker. Mmmm, a sucker would be good right about now. Wait a diddly darn minute!

I GOT TRICKED!

In a daze, I moved on to neighbors willing to give me what I really wanted. People who knew this dance. People who knew what was required of them to satisfy a young lad such as my self.

Time marched on. I went on a couple more annual Halloween trips but soon, I was done. As the years went by, even the years when I was too old to go anymore, I still thought of that guy who showed me a spark instead of giving me the treat. And as I got older, I analyzed the phrase "Trick or Treat" and I started to realize what it really meant. It's a demand, but it's a demand with options. The man technically fulfilled his obligation by providing me a trick of all things, without the treat. I actually began to retroactively support this man for bucking the system, for fighting the power, for pointing out to kids that they should pay attention to the words coming out of their mouths, to think before they speak and to take responsibility for their verbal messages.

For years I secretly supported this anonymous man who I'd never met again after that fateful night. He was just as right as the those candy dispatchers to do what he did.

But time kept marching and when I reached adulthood, I started to question that faith in a new way. I was freakin' 11! Did he expect 11 year-olds to know that trick or treat didn't always mean treat? Did he think we were professors? Did he think we cared? No! I went completely the other way on this man years after that traumatic event. How dare he assume I knew what I was asking for! I was a kid! That was pretty jerky behavior now that I think about it. Doesn't he know that's how homes get egged?

Regardless of his intention and competence though, it's the one Halloween encounter I've always remembered.

In Rainbows

2007-10-12T10:49:00.000-04:00

I bought the new Radiohead CD, In Rainbows. Here's the thing, it's only available online, on a website right now. I felt weird calling it a CD. It's not a CD given he medium it's stored on. I guess it's an album but even that term refers to large, black discs at one time. Music compilation? Tracks? Songs? Ok, I just bought In Rainbows.

There's no price either. No MSRP. No retail, no discount. It is donation only. It's whatever you think you should pay for the alb-er musical compilation. I paid £3 (Radiohead is a UK band). After credit card charge of about 50 pence, that's about $7 with the current exchange rate.

I thought for a second about the poor sap Americans, a very hefty portion of the music-buying market, not knowing the exchange rate or worse yet, not noticing the £ on the price prompt. If someone thinks he should pay 10 for the download and thinks he's entering dollars, he'll end up paying $20 for it. $15, the average price of a CD in this country would be $30 out of pocket for ten tracks.

This is not a bad method for making money - taking advantage of American exchange rate ignorance - at least until the customer gets his credit card statement.

Radiohead is a great band. I hope this works out for them.

Old Enough To Be President (or Senator)

2007-10-09T21:31:00.000-04:00

I've spent half my life waiting on computers. I'm exhausted tonight.

On a day when I celebrate my 35th year on this planet, I wanted to record a few thoughts. It was about a ten minute process from computer boot up, to OS load, to browser initialize and getting the website interface to load to write my thoughts. Sometimes, it just seems better to go back to pen and paper. The life of a Luddite is very appealing on some days.

It is my birthday and I had a very good day. People at work threw me a birthday luncheon with grilled hot dogs, potato salad, chips, beans and chocolate cake. It was nice to have everyone there.

After a long work day, I picked up my daughter from day care and came home. Mrs. Lock had a couple of more presents for me after giving me the big one over a month ago. The early gift was a crimson red and black DS lite. Tonight I received a package of fancy mini-cigars and a beautiful, red-dial wrist watch. I'm staring at it now on my wrist as I write this.

We grilled pork chops on the grill, had mashed potatoes and rolls. And of course Mrs. Lock made her famous white and delectable cake. The bad thing about us having our birthdays less than a week apart are the sweets and loads of left over cake we try to wade through. Bad bad bad for the waist line.

I was putting my daughter bed tonight. It's funny the rituals kids at her age (2 1/2) implement.The fact they have any habitual behavior outside of the instinctive needs is interesting. What, in evolution, gave two-year-olds the need to be repetitive about non-survival behavior? It seems like it would be important to the learning process but it doesn't seem very efficient.

Daughter Lock has this thing after she's in bed, to sign off as you're leaving her room. She has to say, in no certain order: "Bye" "I love you" and recently added to the repertoire "Good night" Sometimes these phrases are mentioned repeatedly. It has to be done every night or something might happen. We don't know what that something is because she's never tried to go to sleep without saying those things. Maybe she couldn't go to sleep. I doubt that. Maybe there's a bomb under her bed and certain key phrases have to be mentioned to disarm the bomb and she knows all of this. Whatever the reason, it's very important to her.

She has this other thing. She has associated "I'll be back" with "Goodbye." Nothing unusual if she is the one leaving, but if someone is leaving from her, it's a bit strange for her to yell out, "I'll be back." And she'll continue to yell it out until you respond with the exact thing she just said.

All very cute and mysterious mannerisms.

Mrs. Lock just asked me what time of the day I was born. It was in the nine o'clock hour. But I was born in Anchorage, Alaska. About a 5 hour difference from the timezone I live in now. Which means, as she pointed out, I was actually born October 10th EST (tomorrow).

No more cake please.

2007-09-19T15:28:00.001-04:00

"If tyranny and oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy. Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. The loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or imagined, from abroad."
-- James Madison

Art

2007-09-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

If someone imitates another's idea, it's a rip off. But if enough people do it, it becomes a genre.

2007-09-09T10:57:00.001-04:00

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
--Bertrand Russell

2007-08-15T10:35:00.001-04:00

“Government cripples you, then hands you a crutch and says, 'See, if it wasn't for us, you couldn't walk.'”
-- Harry Browne

This is Serwious

2007-08-14T11:35:00.000-04:00

It's funny (to me) when the news has to report something very serious but the object in question is kids play toys. The contrast of the tone of an article is obvious when you have to say that Barbie and Batman playsets are life threatening.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said there had been reports of three children swallowing more than one magnet and suffering intestinal perforations that required surgery. When more than one magnet is swallowed, the magnets can attract each other and cause intestinal perforation or blockage, which can be fatal.

Also recalled on Tuesday due to magnet dangers were 1 million Doggie Day Care, 683,000 Barbie and Tanner play sets, and 345,000 Batman and One Piece play sets. No injuries were reported from those items.

About 253,000 Pixar Sarge die-cast toy cars with lead paint were also recalled. No injuries were reported in connection with the toys.

Lead has been linked to health problems in children, including brain damage.

2007-08-07T13:30:00.000-04:00

I saw a tow truck on the street today dragging a victim car behind it. And I do mean dragging because the wheels were locked and not rolling. A lot of squealing, a lot of smoke and a wonderful burning rubber smell. I wonder how many miles you can get on one side of a tire?

Remember the Tooth

2007-08-02T15:11:00.000-04:00

I'm terrible about keeping this thing updated.

Anyway, Toddler Lock had her first dentist appointment today. A couple of weeks ago she did a belly flop off of the couch into an apothecary table. Lots of bleeding but the tooth did not budge. We were quite impressed. Except a few days ago, the tooth started to darken. We feared the worst, that she killed it and so we scheduled an appointment to have a professional take a look at it.

He took an X-ray of her mouth. Said the tooth may only be bruised and to give it some time before we know what state it's in. So we'll just wait and see if she's going to lose her first tooth at only two and half!

2007-07-24T15:33:00.001-04:00

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies."
- C.S. Lewis

Little People

2007-07-24T12:27:00.001-04:00

I like having a little person running around the house. It's just too entertaining. Too bad they grow out of that phase. I guess that's why we ordered a new one.

2

2007-06-07T11:12:00.000-04:00

Had an ultrasound today. We're only 13 weeks into it so this is about the earliest we can look but it appears that we're having a boy.

And that did not stop Mrs. Lock from making name suggestions within hours of the ultrasound. After the appointment, I went back to work, logged in, hopped on instant messenger and started getting pings from her immediately.

mrs_lock: I like this name .. Torin
mr_lock: oh boy
mr_lock: Hafgan (the roleplaying name for the druids I play)
mrs_lock: Torin Hafgan Lock
mr_lock: Can I really name my kid Hafgan?
mrs_lock: It's a nice meaning (summer song), but a terrible name
mrs_lock: It's fine for role playing, but...

That last line was to save my feelings. We're talking about our future second kid and she thought I'd take offense at having my rp character's name ridiculed.

Toy House

2007-05-29T09:26:00.000-04:00

EVERY ROOM in the house is Toddler Lock's toy room.

2007-05-19T15:57:00.001-04:00

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
--George Orwell

Classy Joint

2007-05-17T13:40:00.000-04:00

I was in line where the customer at the front ordered a $1.50 burrito but paid with $100 bill. Her change was $98.50 after the employees ran around wildly, summoning managers and opened a couple of vaults.

What's wrong with people?

Three Generations of Dimensions

2007-05-16T14:43:00.000-04:00

I saw someone trying to explain the space-time continuum by drawing the "shape" of time on a piece of paper.

It makes me smile to realize how difficult this must have been to explain the fourth dimension to three dimensional beings on an object best used in representing the second dimension.

The Scientific Consensus

2007-05-15T08:47:00.001-04:00

"Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had."
- Michael Crichton

Fashionable to be Unfashionable

2007-05-14T14:48:00.000-04:00

Fashion's sense of fashion is as faddish as itself. If you're worried about how any period will view the way you looked or what you did, just wait long enough; it'll come back into style or there will be no style to speak of for it to be on the outside.

What this means is that you should do whatever you want. If you're the kind to be concerned about image, do it anyway and be ahead of your time...again.

It's a Miracle!

2007-05-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

Miracles seem to be branded out of an act of selfishness. In essence, miracles are things we can not humanly control or produce at will. Unexplained healing is a miracle. Sunsets are a miracle. Gestation is a miracle (we can be vessels of this, but we do not control what goes on inside). Life is a miracle; we live it, but we do not write our DNA, we do not make our bones grow, our hair, develop our capacity for thought and our abilities for caring.

So miracles are events that we are not capable of doing at will. It's outside of our scope; somewhere in nature; super nature!

This is a selfish thought. If we, rulers of the universe, can not do something at will, it must be supernatural. It must only be accomplished by that one, necessary existence right above us...and only that one. There are no more existences because perhaps our pride couldn't handle if there were a super-supernatural. We just need the supernatural to explain why we can't do everything.

It is a very big (read: divine) deal if we are not able to accomplish something. It must be! To call something a miracle is almost the same as saying, "That's not fair! I can't do that!"

2007-05-09T10:32:00.000-04:00

So it's been awhile since I've given you a personal update and almost a year exactly since I've posted a personal snapshot. No time like the present.

I'm still at the same job I've been it for the last nine years. I've got a 2.25 year old daughter and another human on the way. Still married. Still the same house I've been in for the last seven years.

--

Snapshot

Market:
DJI 13308, NASDAQ 2561, SP5 1506

#1 Movie at the box office:
Spider-Man 3. Biggest opening ever, $150 million.

Last movies I saw at the theater:
Hot Fuzz
300

Last movie(s) I saw not at the theater:
Benchwarmers (Starz)
Doom (HBO VOD)

Books I'm currently reading:
Woe Is I, The Grammarphobe's Guide to Better English in Plain English by Patricia T. O'Connor
Imagining the Tenth Dimension: A New Way of Thinking About Time and Space by Rob Bryanton

Albums (cd/mp3) I'm listening to:
The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefani

Video games I'm playing:
World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade (70 Druid, 70 Warlock, 37 Priest, 12 Shaman)
Wii Sports
Just finished Zelda: Twilight Princess (Over 50 hours of gameplay).
Super Paper Mario

Price I'm paying for gas:
$3.00/gallon

Last several Google searches:
service samba

samba
share permissions on network drive
windows mmc
windows changing share permissions
using rsh with passwords
using "rshd/nt"
rshd
unc windows
sanyo db-l40
ubuntu
anagram maker

Sueisside

2007-05-01T11:04:00.000-04:00

My daughter is quite find of Dr. Suess books. I, however, am not.

The man made up words to rhyme with other words. A wocket in my pocket? A gellar in the cellar? It's embarassing to stumble through a book that my daughter can't read when I can barely read it myself. Shouldn't we teach our kids the real language first before making up words?

Worst invented Suess word: Thneed.

IMing Mom

2007-04-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

An IM conversation between me and Mother Lock about my daugher (her granddaughter).

Parents: Hows [Mrs. Lock] and [Daughter Lock]?

Lock: They're good. [Daughter Lock] is so funny around other people. I had a friend over the other day and she climbed into his lap and wanted to play.

Parents: That's good, she is developing her own personality. She is a personable little girl. I was suprised about it when you guys were here, because she was always very quiet...She always seemed to me that she was a very deep thinker...She is very intelligent...I love her so!

Lock: Yeah and now that she's noisy and friendly she's turned dumb. That's why we're having another one.

Parents: She is diffently not dumb...That girl will go far in this world, she is a leader, but at the same time she is content being herself...Very Good Caulities in human...She's very pretty too,{not just because she is my grandaughter}, but people usually have only one of those qualities, but she has all three. Looks, Brains, and Personality...Look out Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey...My Tess is coming on the scene

New Look For Old House

2007-04-18T13:22:00.000-04:00

Our house got a makeover in late March (No Oprah). We noticed many of our neighbors were cashing in on hail storm damage from almost a a year ago and getting new roofs. Mrs. Lock inquired about us getting a new one but our insurance adjuster said there wasn't enough damage to the roof to warrant a new one. He did however, give us new siding saying it had enough hail damage on it.

The multi-talented roofers became our siding installers instead and went to work replacing all of our old aluminum siding with brand new vinyl and did it all in a single day (very fast).

2007-03-27T09:27:00.001-04:00

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." -- Theodore Roosevelt

Actually Used Geometry Today

2007-03-26T11:18:00.000-04:00

My teachers from high school were right. As students we thought classes like geometry were useless but twenty years after taking the class, I used geometry today. I needed to figure out the incline of a touch panel unit used by the air traffic controllers so we could replicate one for our system. It's a rectangle shape recessed into a table with the triangle portion of it sticking above the table (the other half below the table). I took the measurements of the rectangle, figured out the length of the side opposite of the right triangle, figured out the other two angles and bam, got the incline.

Once over twenty years time.

2007-03-23T13:24:00.000-04:00

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention to arrive safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: Wow!! What a ride!"
--Dean Karnazes

Go

2007-02-10T18:37:00.000-05:00

Sent from my iPod

2007-01-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

That's So Mature

2006-12-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

Maturity is when you realize that you're not going to die if you can't have it.
--the lock (me)

2006-11-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

"How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct."
- Benjamin Disraeli

When We Agree Without Thinking

2006-11-15T12:17:00.000-05:00

Three posts in three months. Pitiful.

I had a thought. Understanding something isn't the same as agreeing with it although we all are victim of this. Some ideas, we agree with only because we understand it and it's always been that way. We have understood it for so long we may even think it was our idea to begin with.

It is possible to see someone's point but completely disagree with it because of varying outcomes. You can see it unfolding in a way the other does not if you think about it. The trick is figuring out what you've already accepted without thinking about and reevaluating that decision injecting your own principles.

You can convince a person to set their arm on fire given enough time (lots of it...like years), support, evidence, testimony and maybe even an example or two or a million. It doesn't mean it's a good idea.

I've been up for 30 hours straight. I wonder if that has something to do with me making my first post in a couple of months.

Gibberish or the Language of God?

2006-09-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

I let Toddler Lock got crazy on my laptop. Here is what she had to say:

B ,,/./??

=xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxdeeeeeeeee444444444444bbn hykghvgggvvvvvvvvvvvvb vbv0020c

Nnghghhkkkkk bn nee e iiiiiiiiiiiiokim mnnn nnnnnn nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn kl.m,,;l.;]

--

Everything in the house is a toy for her...except her toys. Protect your things!

Power of a Few

2006-08-15T12:30:00.000-04:00

In the absence of understanding, a very large majority go with the experts' point of view which in many cases is from a very small minority.
-the lock (me)

Strange Messages

2006-08-11T09:31:00.000-04:00

I got into work this morning and had 2 voicemails. I checked them, they were voice response units saying I need to push 2 for this 3 for that. Kind of odd. I deleted the worthless messages then checked the caller ID. It was the local county jail. Hmmmm. Maybe I should start calling family members to see if they're unincarcerated. Is that a word? It is now.

McSecret

2006-08-07T08:50:00.000-04:00

The term secret sauce was created during the coldwar, in order to help discontinue the use of the term "russian" dressing.

Talker Toddler

2006-08-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

Toddler lock turned 18 months yesterday evening. At this stage in her life, she is saying the word: mom, dad, yeah, good, pat, blast off, go, duck, bye.

Don't ask.

Mom wants to get her a potty trainer seat. Not to necessarily begin potty training. Just to get her accustomed to it being around.

Quick McScape

2006-07-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

I had an idea for a restaurant design. Particularly useful in high crime areas. If the place were being robbed, one of the staff could hit a 'hostage' button and all of the windows in the place would turn into doors and slide open providing a quick escape. The number of exits in the place would go from two to 20 and the patrons could scatter out the window-doors leaving the criminal with few hostages. Criminals hold hostages by controlling the few exits a place has. It's just a bottleneck. Opening the whole restaurant up would negate this form of control. Crime would be reduced by a simple, extra architectural feature.

I thought it was a good idea.

Thou Shall Not Steal

2006-07-07T15:28:00.000-04:00

Place someone in a circle surrounded by people. Then rob that person at gunpoint while the circle watches, condones and even sanctions the illegal act; telling the subject what's being done is ok, it's accepted, it's for a greater good. Do that and the person will concede in a matter of minutes that he is being robbed and he may even agree with the act.

Imagine doing that to someone over his lifetime. Now you understand the nature of taxes.

Emotional Slaves To Our Children

2006-07-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

A very emotional moment for me, several months ago, was when I dropped my then 1 year old daughter off at daycare for the first time. It was actually her second or third day, but my first time to be the one to deliver her.

I walked into the one year room with her. Three or four kids around her age, maybe a few months older, were sitting at a little kiddy table slowly eating their breakfast. Although I never saw anyone putting food in their month, one of them opened and closed his mouth, making a smacking noise that seemed to echo in the room. There wasn't a whole lot of movement going on and besides the smacking of the jaws, it was very quiet...too quiet. Imagine four kids sitting around a one foot high table, grapes, pieces of bananas and Cheerios sitting on their styrofoam plates, but just sitting there, kind of looking around. Checking me out, checking out my daughter who I'm seating at the table, completely without reaction. It reminded me of the scene in Hitchcock's The Birds where they're trying to tip toe through the front yard flooded with birds, the birds not doing anything. But you get the feeling they're going to attack at any second!

So I sat my daughter down in one of the available chairs at this table. A plate of fruit was placed in front of her. She got this look on her face that said, "What's this? You are not leaving me here." I tried to talk to her, let her know she was with friends and she can eat all the fruit she wants. I forced excitement into my voice all the while thinking, 'She does not belong here.' But I had to make the best of it.

With my daughter in her seat, I stood up to walk out. I watched her the whole time and I witnessed her expression going from 'You're not leaving me here' to 'Please? Oh please don't leave me here. Why are you doing this to me?' By the time I stepped out of the room, the door was closed, I could see through the glass pane. As if the sound of the door closing was her queue, my daughter exploded into tears thinking that she had been abandoned. The crying voice muffled mainly by the closed door and thick glass, but loud enough to tell me I left her somewhere and it sounded far away. The zombie kids around her, stared at her with that dead look as the tears poured from her eyes, unwilling to lend assistance or comfort.

My daughter never looked to me while she was upset. She didn't turn her head in my direction with pleading eyes to beg me to return. She bowed her a head a little, eyes slammed shut, tears flowing, pain in her voice, believing that she was completely alone. I'll never forget that image.

I'm not sure if it was better or worse to have her not look for me after leaving her behind in that room. To me it seems it was worse that she didn't because it told me that she did not expect me to return; that she was resigned to her fate and begging was a futile action. As a parent, you just die a little inside to see this. It's really the first occasion you have to break your bond with your child, which to her is everything in the world since she entered it. It's what she trusts and feels safe in. Safety actually taken for granted until she is exposed to that separation and it seems at that moment, when they cry, they realize, there is danger in the world and they are mortal and they can not depend on you all of the time. As necessary as it is, you being away from your child, even from a developmental standpoint, a requirement that has to be taught for a sense of independence to develop which ultimately will serve her better than absolute dependence, it doesn't make it any easier or change the fact that as a parent, it is an almost unbearable feeling to experience.

The happy ending is she spent two weeks at this place. After getting very sick with the Rota virus and an overnight stay at the hospital (wait, it's coming), we pulled her out of that daycare that housed scores of children, and found a in-home child care provider, smaller more homey environment, not to mention much cleaner. Only four kids in this house. Kids who were friendly to her, talkative and gentle. My daughter loves daycare now. She looks forward to it and can't wait to get there to start playing.

She likes coming home too.

2006-07-04T12:01:00.000-04:00

"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."
--Edward Abbey

Only While It's Useful

2006-06-29T15:26:00.000-04:00

Government is not a right, it is a privilege and therefore should be refused when it doesn't suit you.

Broadband Speeds

2006-06-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

My DSL at work gets: 384 kbps down, 379 kbps up. sDSL in case you hadn't noticed.

My cable modem at home gets: 4.55 Mbps down, 361 kbps up.

Numbers side by side:

4,559,704 bps up/361,752 bps down - CABLE
384,496 bps up/379,240 bps down - DSL

DRM = DRSUX!

2006-06-27T09:46:00.000-04:00

The DRM is a law to protect analog structured industries in a digital era. The product has evolved without the seller. Good for greedy, impersonal entities that will die off in a hundred years. Bad for the advancement of civilization.

Flag Burning...yes again.

2006-06-27T08:25:00.000-04:00

You can tell when it's election year in this country when the dumbest ideas come up for approval for Congress to codify into law. I don't understand why our lawmakers want to add Constitutional amendments restricting rights? Why start that precedent? I actually think they'd be shocked if they got something ridiculous to pass. They just want to appeal to their constituents, not really change anything. It's a dangerous game they play, regardless of their intentions.

So flag burning is up for debate...again. They want to make it a constitutional amendment to ban this practice. I have said this before but it'd be interesting bookends if it passes, the last amendment superseding the first.

Personal view aside, I don't understand why we need law enforcement for this action? Is the practice really that rampant that force is needed to respond? Does our law enforcement not have anything better to do? As I understand, the number of yearly cases of this is virtually 0. It's something like less than 100 cases of flag burning in a country of 300 million people, if you don't count the patriotic groups that are disposing of old flags in some ritual fashion that makes it ok to burn it. And how do you enforce that? How do you write that law in a way that millions of police officers can discern between the proper way a flag is being burned and the improper? It can't be done. Mistakes will be made, assumptions incorrectly created, conclusions improperly drawn. You just can't do it on a national level anyway. Not even on a state level. Maybe you can neighborhood-level...MAYBE.

So a few people want to burn the American flag every year. Why do you care? Because it's offensive to you? If we passed a law for everything that offends people, we'd be living in a police state and no one could do anything! We'd be in a country so full of laws, the Nazi's would say, "That's cold."

You might think public flag burning hurts the country's image, creates disrespect, incites rebellion, etc. I really don't see that happening. Not as long as people like you are committed to protecting that flag and people like me swear allegiance to our country. They will never convince us otherwise. We will stand together, united and not be swayed by these protestors. Not with blackmail, not with torture and certainly not by asking us to bear witness to a burning of a piece of fabric. I know it won't change my mind about my country.

So let them do it. Best case scenario, they burn themselves during the stunt. Why would you want to stop Darwinism?

We don't need the amendment.

Summer Wonderland

2006-06-27T07:50:00.000-04:00

Half way to Christmas...

2006-06-26T14:26:00.000-04:00

"Who controls the past, controls the future.
Who controls the present, controls the past."

--Rage Against The Machine

Recorded Thoughts

2006-06-26T11:34:00.000-04:00

The lead character in the fourth Dune book, God Emperor of Dune, had a technology that was wirelessly tapped into his brain. And during his 3000 year reign of the universe, whatever thought he had was recorded somewhere in some archive. All he had to do is consciously think it and it was written down.

There are times I wish I had this technology. Many times I've had ideas that I wanted to write down or even blog about here, but I'm usually not in a position to get it added before the thought is gone.

I'm sure the idea for the technology came about from the author of the book, Frank Herbert. He was a thinker and probably wished, like me, he had the technology to provide the service.

Summer, Summer, Summertime.

2006-06-22T09:53:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, happy Anniversary to me and Mrs. Lock. Happy Summer Solstice to everyone. I performed my annual summer solstice ritual again last night. I blogged about it last year. Loads of fun. Woot.

Flashback to Newer Songs

2006-06-20T14:13:00.001-04:00

It's funny to me to hear the local "new rock alternative" radio station still play songs from Nirvana. And even more funnier when they play one of their songs from 16 years ago and then immediately start the "Flashback Nooner. This one goes all the way back to 1995, ten years ago..."

Rituals

2006-06-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

I'm not a fan of rituals. I don't like giving or receiving gifts on a certain day of the year when it's expected of me. I'd rather give gifts when I feel like it, not when it's required of me or of someone else to give them to me. I say this on the eve of my anniversary too for no particular reason.

I really don't like rituals (unless they're my own and I think them up). Mrs. Lock asked me if we could get married on a certain day. I agreed. She arranged the wedding and we did it. Every birthday/Christmas I'm asked what I want, I say, "nothing." I never get nothing though. Curses.

Celebrate life not dates. It's an emotional feeling and you're not supposed to schedule emotions. Celebrating something on a specific day, the same day from year to year implies you don't care for it the other 364 days. If you know when it's coming, what kind of joy is that?

Oh well. I guess it does something for the economy.

Grocery Cart Games

2006-06-17T10:13:00.000-04:00

I have this game I play with my daughter (btw, I'm getting away to referring to her as Baby Lock since she's not much of a baby anymore. She's Toddler Lock), where we're in the grocery store, she's in the front cart and I push the cart away from me down an empty aisle. As she's freewheeling away from me, I say "RUNAWAY BABY! RUNAWAY BABY!" and it makes her laugh to see her father getting smaller.