Sunday, February 06, 2011

My feelings about my terminal wife

It's day 6 since my wife's oncologist informed us her liver is failing and the rest we let happen naturally and boy have I gone through emotions and have quite a few thoughts.

Initially I wanted this part to go quickly. She is not herself. She can hardly talk and what she can say doesn't make any sense. It happened so quickly, one day we could talk each other, the next she had so much trouble concentrating and couldn't give the right replies, that I feel robbed I didn't get to say goodbye even though I have told her in her confused state. I told her on Tuesday that I was going to miss her and have told her many many times that I love her. That is one of the few things she can respond to, she tells me she loves me back.

So I do want this part to go quickly. I don't think her parents do. Saturday was rough for me, I took our daughter to a birthday party and I felt bad the whole time because my wife wasn't with me nor could I tell her about it. My anxiety shot through the roof that day. Another thing I realized that day, I like taking care of her. Even though she isn't who she used to be, I like doing this because she is still some semblance of the woman I married. My selfishness to hang onto her and helping me realize this even though I still generally believe, it needs to end soon. It's best for me and for her, I know what she would want. We have talked about that many times. It does anger me euthanasia is illegal. We should have the right to go out how we want. I don't care how controversial it is, you are not in my shoes and if we both agreed it is the way to handle it in this kind of situation, we should have the right. We should know how to handle our loved ones, not a group of emotionless bureaucrats hundreds of miles away who think they know what's better for my family than us. Dr. Kevorkian was really a good and passionate and understanding man and he didn't deserve the treatment he received.

I'm fighting the feelings that I don't want her to go. If it's too much longer, I don't know how I'm going to take it when death comes. She doesn't want this. I don't want this. It's human nature to hold onto something we know we're losing, that is the selfish reason, not what I want.