Monday, January 31, 2005

On the eve of baby, Mrs. Lock and I went for some Chinese. That's what she was craving so that's what we got. The waitress, upon seeing Mrs. Locks rotund shape asked us when she was due. "Tomorrow," we said.

She thought we were joking. "Really," she asked in her Asian accent.

"No joke," we said.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Look Who's Talking

Look Who's Talking

Dogs and cats have a language and it can be translated into English. What people fail to realize though is that their vocabulary is extremely limited because their thoughts are limited. Their thoughts are governed by their needs and for a species, your instincts determine your needs.

When you hear your pet talking, he is not saying "How are you feeling? Did you see the Sox game last night? I certainly could go for some pancakes." Pet speech is more like: "I'm hungry, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I should eat. I should eat. I should eat. What was that noise?! Oh well I'm hungry, I should eat. Eat, yes eat. Pet me. Pet me. Pet me. I want out, pet me. Pet me outside. Feed me outside. Pet me while you're feeding me outside. There's that noise again! Let me in. Let me out. Let me in. Let me out. I'm going upstairs. I'm going downstairs. I'm going to take a piss. I'm going to take a crap. How can I get up there? Someone help me get up there. I need to get up there. Oh Lord won't someone help me get up there? Something fantastic is up there and I need to see it/catch it/kill it/eat it. Ok, I need to get down now."

Still on baby watch. I will have a daughter no later than Tuesday.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Time Is Crawling

Time Is Crawling

No baby yet. I have noticed the first seven months have flown by and the last two are slowing down. It's like the Einstein theory of being pulled into a black hole. Time slows to a crawl the slower you get to the singularity and eventually time will appear to stop right before the end.

We are counting the seconds.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Attitudes Not Unlike Physics

Attitudes Not Unlike Physics

I do believe there is a Grand Unified Theory to human behavior and I have spent my life trying to find it.

Monday, January 10, 2005

But Now I See

But Now I See

Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are splitting up after a seven year relationship. An article I read said the two met on a blind date in '98. Blind date? How blind could it have been to fix up two popular celebrities? "I wonder what he looks like?"

Friday, January 07, 2005

It might be time...

It might be time...

If the child asks for it by name, it might be time to quit breast feeding.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Give me The Gory Details

Give me The Gory Details

One of my favorite jobs, probably is my favorite, is working in the surgery department at the Columbus Regional Hospital. I sat out a semester of college to restore my finances, took a job through Kelly's Temp Agency (making me a "Kelly's Girl") which landed me at the hospital and right into the OR department. Everyday I donned scrubs to do data entry for completed surgery procedures because billing had to be written up, inputting a checklist of supplies used and time in OR into a computer so insurance companies could be billed.

That job actually only lasted a month before a permanent replacement was installed. That left me free to move out into the operating rooms and do whatever needed to be done. I sat in on surgery procedures, witnessed everything from hysterectomies to brain surgery, caesarian sections, breast implants, gall bladder removal and amputations just to name a few - and I loved it. It was fascinating to see all of it happening three feet from me. I saw many a person's insides. How many people can say they do that for a living? Surgeons and gynecologists. I was king of the world for five dollars an hour.

Some people don't have the stomach for that kind of work. Some people can't stand the sight of blood or guts or biological goo. Why is it that I can? Not only can I stand it, I enjoy watching it. Why do I get off on it when others squeam, get sick, faint? I understand the aversion to it. Cutting into someone is a visual reminder, a lesson in just how mortal we are. If it's easy to expose your insides like that covered in blood, it's easy to die. Mortal fear sets in which transposes into being grossed out. So why am I not affected? Does anything gross me out?

The answer to that is yes. Leave the fingernails, rectum and eyeballs alone and I don't have a problem. The thought of removing the fingernails, turning the rectum inside out with a rubber hose and a papercut on the eyeball will send me reeling as it should many who are reading this. But I think even now I'm becoming accustomed to these ideas as my morbid brain randomly makes me think of these things to give me a reality check. I think you just have to get used to the sight of whatever it is you're afraid of to be ok with it - repeated exposure to make you accustomed to it.

I do remember an event when I was younger that may have contributed to my hardened ways. In my early teens I watched a World War II documentary on TV. It was about concentration camps. The war was over and cleanup of these camps was the focus of the program. It showed people hauling the grotesque, disfigured pale corpses of the camps' inhabitants into a ditch to be covered with lime and buried. In the ditch, the bodies were piled one on top of the other to fit the high volume of the dead into a crude hole in the ground. Trucks would back up to the ditch, open the tailgate and bodies were pulled off the back. In a swinging fashion between two handlers they were tossed into the hole on top of the corpses that were already there. I felt ill after watching that. I remember not eating much for days and the visions of that mass graveyard of disfigured and malnourished figures who were once living human beings haunted me for weeks - haunted is the absolute correct word here.

As time went on, the effect that image had on me began to lessen. It started with mortal fear which progressed (digressed?) to disgust and eventually to pity. I could finally manage the images in my head and return to my normal life after a few weeks.

It was then, within a couple of years of that event of my life that I remember my High school history class showing that film or one very much like it in class. There was a verbal warning from the teacher before he began the film and all of us eleventh graders sat there in the dark room and watched history. This was a rerun for me and my reaction to it this time was negligible. I did not feel the same sickening feeling I had the first time I saw this but I knew what my classmates were going through. I could tell from the gasps and the crying that were going around the room as this film played. Right there, I knew, I had become desensitized to death or at least to human mortality. I knew we were all going to die, I knew our bodies are more fragile than the human sense of invulnerability allows us to see. And I had gone through the stages of bad news and had reached acceptance a long time ago. It is also said that your childhood ends when mortality is realized.

With that instinctive fear out of the way, I could enjoy the science of biology as I watched a man's intestines resting on his stomach and surgeons poking at his organs, all with a grin on my face.

My first procedure that I witnessed as a surgical aid was an amputation. The elderly woman had gangrene in her leg. At first I didn't know if I were allowed to go into the room, so I stood outside watching through the window. The RN noticed me, opened the door and invited me in but told me not to talk because the patient was still awake and could hear everything we said. So I stood there, quiet and immobile as a statue as I watched the surgeon disconnect the skin and muscle from the bone, then with a wire saw cut through the bone in a matter of seconds, a very clean slice. What happened next is a story I still like to tell and others remind me about. The RN took the amputated leg, wrapped it in some sterile opaque cloth, insert that into a big plastic bag, sealed it and handed it to me. I looked at her in confusion. Why are you handing me someone's leg? The RN got on the phone in the OR, called security to let them know that I needed access to the morgue in a few minutes to drop off a limb. After she hung up the phone, she gave me directions to the morgue from the OR and told me leave the limb on a table once I got there. I did not fail in my mission either. I did exactly that. The morgue was located one flight below the OR so I had to walk through the public hallways with a leg in my arms (wrapped in a cloth that no one could see), passing visitors along the way, people who had no clue as to the contents of my package. My pride swelled with the exclusive knowledge and responsibility I had as surgical aid.

After I got back to the OR, in my elated state I called some friends. "You'll never guess what I just did?"

That was over ten years ago and on occasion, I am still referred to in certain social circles as the leg man.

Now I have good career, make good money and I have considered signing up as a surgery aid for the local hospital just to experience the thrill of seeing blood and guts again for minimum wage.

Good stuff.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Dodgeball 101

Dodgeball 101

For many, both men and women, college is opportunity to find a mate. It's a massive meet market with a selection of people your own age and social needs, there's no denying that.

And for a few, finding a mate is the only reason to be at college. But this process turns into a dodgeball team picking its members. And like a dodgeball team, what happens is that the longer it takes you to pick someone, you're bound to end up with the last-picked losers, the ones who don't amount to much and ultimately end up letting the team down.

So if you follow this route, (which I don't recommend, college offers many things in the way of social and educational needs), get there early, pick quick. Get the winner.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Happy Freakin' New Year!

Happy Freakin' New Year!

What a year this will be for me and my impending fatherhood. I should have lots of upcoming fatherly insights, if I can stay awake.

Mrs. Lock and I stayed home for New Year's. Nice quiet pregnant night. It was very warm outside - well warm for winter so we spent a couple of hours in front of the chimanea (spelling? the giant clay gord that lets you have outdoor fireplaces) looking up at the fog filled sky. We couldn't even see the moon.

Just after midnight, we had neighborhood fireworks display surprisingly to us. They were big budget-4th of July-off the downtown bank building quality fireworks too. People really wanted to see 2004 go.

That was my last year as a DINK. December was probably my last month, odds are.

I trained my wife in my contact info should she decide to go into labor and try and to give birth at her work desk. I told her to instant message me if she could when she felt the onset of labor. I work clear across town and it's about a 40 minute trip to the hospital for me. I'm calculatingo getting pulled over for speeding and reckless driving, normally it's only a 30 minute trip.

Why does this feel like my last will and testament?

Bring on the pain (kid).

DJI 10799, NASDAQ 2164, SP5 1209

#1 Movie at the box office:
Meet The Fockers

Last movie I saw at the theater:
I can't remember.

Last movie(s) I saw not at the theater:
Chronicles of Riddick
Shrek 2
The Punisher

Books I'm currently reading:
Perelandra by C.S. Lewis
Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
Baby and Dad stuff

Albums (cd/mp3) I'm listening to:
Gwen Stefani's Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Foreigner's Greatest Hits

Video games I'm playing:
Halo 2
Halflife 2
Morrowind III: Elder Scrolls. GoY Edition