Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Boxing Boxing Helena

Absolutely the worst movie of all time: Boxing Helena. I've always had it in for this movie ever since I saw it. I do not hate many movies. In fact, the ones I don't like I'm just simply indifferent to. Boxing Helena however is one title that I seethe about. What a horrible piece of crap.

The main female character gets into an accident and takes up residence with her surgeon who is trying to keep her alive. During her stay, the surgeon wants to turn his patient into a living Venus de Milo statue by cutting off her limbs one at a time over a period of time. He tells her after each chop that he's doing this to save her life. Eventually she runs out of limbs, and THEN decides she needs to escape the doctor's maniacal possession. Because 4 missing limbs is too much. 2, eh, he might be right. 3, really disappointing and unlikely but still possible he might be right, but 4, whoa buddy you've gone too far. So Miss Torso literally rolls out into traffic as part of her master escape plan, gets hit and dies.

Now if that insane plot wasn't enough to ruin this movie, something then happens that is the one thing that ruins a story every time, every tv show, every horror tale - the doctor wakes up and sees his patient lying in one piece in her hospital bed. None of it happened because 95% of the movie was a dream - and I use the term dream loosely. Talk about a major reminder about a waste of time.

If you're pissed I didn't say spoilers first before blowing the plot, believe me I'm not the one that did the spoiling. If I save one person, one child, one orphan from seeing this festering pile, I think I've made a difference in this world.

This is the flick Kim Bassinger lost a lawsuit over by backing out and not starring in after signing a contract saying she would. I can not blame her for backing out and I think the 14 million she paid (or whatever it was) in damages to the filmmakers was a small price to pay to disassociate yourself from this steaming turd piece. Let me tell you something. Having Kimmy back out of your picture is not what caused the "serious damages" to your movie.

Hopefully I'll wake up and realize the movie was all a dream and doesn't really exist.