Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Republican Party Whistleblower

Republican Party Whistleblower

I'm here to tell all.

I got my Republican Party Membership card in the mail yesterday. That certifies me as an official member of the party and I feel I need to do something that the corporate office told us
not to do. The request to keep our party's secret doctrine private has been bugging me for a long time and the guilt is wreaking havoc on me. So, *deep breath* here I go. I'm going to tell you what we're really about.

We have some wacky, extremist ideas that we want to force on this country and make everyone accept whether they agree with us or not. Democracy? What's that? Separation of church and state? What's that? First amendment? What's that? U.S. Constitution? It's only a memo.

That's right. We're out to be the dominating force in this country and we want to tell you how to live your life. We can't trust you with your own life. It makes our lives more difficult to deal with psychos like you. We see you people at the yacht clubs, the golf course and public universities interfering with our peaceful time by suggesting ideas we've never thought of before and we're not going to take it anymore.

That's not to say that we're not changing. We try to stay current with the American people. The Republican party used to be exclusive to elder, white males but we're fixing that. We've realized (with the court's help) that we have to budge on this and we've been working on that for the last 200 years. It's not perfect yet, but give us a couple of more centuries and we'll warm up to the idea. Having young, white males is something we'll just have to accept, get used to and figure out a way to make it work.

This country is going to hell in a handbasket and we can't stand by and let it happen. We are a violent country for some reason and the only solution to that is to fight fire with fire. We think the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution was a typo. The real rights begin with the second, which was written over 200 years ago in an antiquated time for a people who couldn't rely on their country's small military to keep British terrorists out of their homes. It could still happen today so it is our right to bear semi automatic weapons that could wipe out a dozen people (hey, it's self defense if I get attacked by a platoon of red coats) or waste wildlife beyond the point of using the carcass for anything useful.

Many soldiers died for this country and for our freedom and I'll be darned if I'm gonna let some dirty hippie protester dishonor that freedom by burning the flag, a symbol of our country made of cotton, polyester or sometimes denim. We've placed the essence of this country in that flag and if someone destroys that piece of fabric, that essence is gone. Our country will no longer exist. Now do you want that to happen? We have to ban someone's freedom of burning the flag to protect our freedom. It's common sense people. That is why I suggest we ratify an amendment for the U.S. Constitution to ban flag burning even though there is no other standing amendment currently that restricts anyone's right. History will be made! I think a flag burning amendment would make a nice bookend to that typo amendment at the beginning of the Constitution. That thing just keeps getting in our way.

Do you know the first amendment also gives us trouble when we want to force all U.S. school children to recite the words "Under God" in the pledge of allegiance? What kind of a freedom won't let us worship the one true God? If you're against God, you're with the Devil which makes the first amendment evil. It's simple logic people. I can't make this stuff up.

See we can't trust you people to create an environment in this country for us to live and retire on our millions that you want to tax. We can't trust you, we can't trust the founding fathers with the vision of what this country was really created for. What did they know? Most of them were hopped up on morphine. Now tobacco, there's a real crop that isn't hurting anyone.

God bless the USA that protects us good people and not from the people that try to destroy it. Sure we used to think that it was the black man and the NAACP was a terrorist group, but we have it right now. We know an anti-American when we see one. What's that? No I don't own any mirrors in my house. Why do you ask?

People, we don't need rights, just a place to comfortably and safely live. Kind of like an exclusive club. Yeah. I like the sound of that.

Proud to be a Republican.